Thursday:
Breakfast:  Yogurt and berries.
Lunch:  Chicken and fruit salad.
Snack:  Luna Chocolate dipped coconut bar.
Dinner:  Marie Callendar's Turkey Dinner.
Snack:  Two squares chocolate and air popped corn.
Ran 2 miles in the cold and snow, came home and puked cause I couldn't breathe.  I hope I can get used to cold weather running.

Friday:
Breakfast:  Oatmeal and fruit.
Lunch:  Panera Broccolli soup with french bread.
Dinner:  Panera chicken ceasar sandwich half, reduced guilt chips, orange.
And here is where it gets bad.  I was feeling strong.  I split my lunch between lunch and dinner, resisted other mall and Panera temptations, including a huge cinnamon roll I got my niece, at my dinner, then took the kids to Culvers fully expecting to eat nothing, but my son offered me an onion ring three times and finally I took one, that opened the flood gates:
Mind Trail:
I ate an onion ring, I might as well:
Eat my son's entire bag of fries he left behind.  I ate a bag of fries, I might as well:
Order a caramel cashew sundae.  I ate a sundae, I might as well:
Add extra butter to my nightly popcorn.  I had extra butter, oh hell throw caution to the wind, get in the car and buy a bag of munchos and a six pack of Mike's hard lemonade...

SNACKS:  1 onion ring, 1 small order of fries, one scoop caramel cashew sundae, popcorn with 2 T butter, 2 to 3 servings Munchos, 2 Mike's.

Ugggh, day 11 a success, day 12  epic fail, but that is okay.  One off day in 17 will be a huge improvement, ONE. 

Day 10 Dessert for Breakfast

252 page views in one day?  I usually get a couple.  So, how does that happen?  Who the heck is reading this dribble?  Strange.

My secret to fitting in dessert?  Eating it as a meal for breakfast.  Works like a charm.  When I think of my perfect breakfast I think of Meemaw's chocolate pie.  Mmmmm.  Technically, I guess a muffin is breakfast food, but when it includes chocolate chips and brown sugar crunch topping, I put it in the dessert category.  I can't decide if I am happy or sad those muffins are gone, but one thing is for sure, I will be making them again. They are too good not to share, but I already have four kids I have to share with, so make your own!

BREAKFAST:  Banana muffin, strawberries.
LUNCH:  2 chicken and fruit salad roll ups, sweet potato fries.
DINNER:  2 chicken soft tacos.
SNACK:  You guessed it, air popped corn with 1 T of real butter.

BANANA CRUMB MUFFINS (ADAPTED FROM RECIPE ON ALLRECIPE)

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 tsp cinnamon

3 bananas, mashed

1/2 cup white sugar

1/4 cup brown sugar

1 egg, lightly beaten

1/3 cup butter, melted

1 tsp vanilla

1/2 cup chocolate chips

TOPPING INGREDIENTS

1/3 cup packed brown sugar

2 tablespoons all-purpose flour

1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 tablespoon butter

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Lightly grease 12 muffin cups, or line with muffin papers.
2. In a large bowl, mix together 1 1/2 cups flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt. In another bowl, beat together bananas, sugar, egg and melted butter, vanilla and chocolate chips. Stir the banana mixture into the flour mixture just until moistened. Spoon batter into prepared muffin cups.
3. In a small bowl, mix together brown sugar, 2 tablespoons flour and cinnamon. Cut in 1 tablespoon butter until mixture resembles coarse cornmeal. Sprinkle topping over muffins.
4. Bake in preheated oven for 18 to 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into center of a muffin comes out clean.

P.S.  I never, ever bother with using seperate bowls for wet and dry ingredients.  First I mix all the wet, then add the dry ingredients minus the flour and incorporate them well, then add the flour at the end to avoid overmixing.

Day 9 Oranges are Candy From Trees

Oranges are so delicious this time of year!  I bought four a week and a half ago.  I try to eat my fruits according to what needs to be eaten first, berries only last a couple days, pineapple, grapes, and bananas slightly longer, and finally oranges and apples.  So all four oranges have sat in the produce drawer for over a week untouched.  I sliced myself one for a snack yesterday and suddenly I had three boys and one girl buzzing about needing one of their own, three oranges, four kids....luckily they were large.  The same oranges that have sat in the drawer for the past 10 days without a second glance were now a precious commodity.Eating healthy foods around our children 100% affects our kid's food choices.
BREAKFAST:  Banana muffin, strawberries.
LUNCH:  2 chicken and fruit salad roll ups.
SNACK:  Orange, string cheese.
DINNER:  Leftover hash.....1-1/2 cups shredded potato, 3 oz chicken, 2 oz ham, 1/3 cup corn, onion, 1 T olive oil, 2 T shredded cheese.  A big plate of yummy!
SNACK:  Popcorn with 1 T butter.

Saying Yes, When It's Worth It

Some treats are worth it.  And you know what, if I eat a single sized portion, there aren't too many foods that I have to say no to.  I made "the kids" homemade banana muffins with the over-ripened bananas on my counter.  They smelled heavenly, and when my niece saw them come out of the oven she yelled "HAPPY!!!"   That is what she calls cupcakes and chocolate.  When I made them, I truly believed they were for "the kids."  But once they were baked I asked myself...

Now how does one resist the temptation of warm, homemade banana muffins with brown sugar crunch topping?

And the answer was immediately clear.......one doesn't!

At about 235 calories and 7 grams of fat, I don't have to feel guilt, because I ate just one, and it was delicious and tasted exactly like "HAPPY" would if it had a taste.

BREAKFAST:  Chobani honey yogurt, pineapple, raspberries, and strawberries.

LUNCH:  3 oz lightly breaded chicken cutlet, sweet potato fries, raw carrots.

SNACK:  Banana muffin.

DINNER:  3 to 4 oz ham, brussel sprouts, 1 cup brown rice.

SNACK:  Air popped corn with 1 T butter.

8 days down, 9 to go!

Weekend Temptations

The weekend was full of temptations, but I am very proud to say I made it through unscathed!  First, my fiance called on Friday night asking if I wanted him to pick me up anything on the way home.  I had already eaten and said no thanks.  He came home with a BBQ chicken pizza-size large and triple cheese breadsticks, then tried to persuade me to eat it.  I resisted, barely.  Saturday he called me on his way home again and asked me what I would like from his favorite Chinese place, the place he claims is better than anywhere else, the place he ended up waiting at for nearly an hour for take-out.  Good thing I had already eaten by the time he had called both nights, so he wasn't asking me on an empty stomach.  THEN I had Sunday morning to deal with.  He usually makes us breakfast, but I was hungry and he was still sleeping, so I ate my breakfast.  Normally, I would partake in Sunday breakfast, just in smaller amounts, but I had already eaten my yogurt and was secretely annoyed by the barage of temptations, so I skipped it even with some more attempted persuasion by my fiance.  Finally, I said look, do you see me trying to get you to eat fruits, vegetables, and chicken breast?  He stopped waving the bacon in my face.
BLUNCH:  Chobani lemon yogurt, raspberries, strawberries, pineapple.
EARLY DINNER:  1/2 roasted chicken breast with skin, 1 chicken leg, 1 cup brown rice, salad (romaine, 2 T yogurt based Ceasar dressing, parmesan cheese, cucumber, and tomato.)
SNACKS:  Air-popped corn with 1 T butter, grapes, 1/2 cup lemon gingersnap ice cream.

The final temptation of the weekend was my doing.  I bought a pumpkin pie and whipped cream and brought it to my parent's house for dessert with my boys.  I ended up passing on the pie, even though it is a reasonable snack, but it is not my favorite, and I would much rather have the ice cream.

I made it through!  I have never been so relieved to see a Monday!  One week down, 10 more days until Turkey Day Challenge is successfully completed!

Even the Hard Runs Feel Good

I have a bunch of excuses for not running the past two weeks, one is legit.  I had a bad cold and I couldn't breathe for much of those two weeks.  Plus my other excuses that could be overcome with some willpower...I am working 12 hours days; I'm exhausted and have no time.  I was running around the field at football practice, now if I want to run, I have to leave my boys home supervised by my 13-year-old son.  And finally, the time change makes it dark too early.

But yesterday was Saturday, I had no work, my kids were at their dad's, and my congestion is tolerable-tolerable, not gone.  So, I laced em up and headed out.  It was tough.  My nose started running right away, I was spitting (ewwww) cause my throat was clogged, and I nearly threw up at mile 1.5, that is when I decided to run home, exactly 2 miles, 2 hard fought miles.  I ran straight to my deck and sat down for a moment, which immediately turned into laying down for a minute, which somehow turned into laying on the wooden planks for 45 minutes basking in the sun thinking how good even a bad run is, meditation.

Lying on the deck, post-run.  I am shocked by how flat my stomach appears.  It is an optical illusion.  If only I could live my life lying down my pooch would flatten.  LOL

BLUNCH:  Chobani lemon yogurt with fruit.

DINNER:  Leftover chicken parmesan, carrots, cucumbers.

SNACKS:   Air-popped corn, 2 squares dark chocolate with sea salt.

I'm On a Roll (And Not a Cinnamon Roll This Time)

BREAKFAST:  Egg, bacon, and cheese muffin, which sounds worse than it is at about 250 calories.  Every so often, I get in the mood for an egg, and then I have one and realize once again that I really do not like eggs.  Also had some blackberries, raspberries, grapes, and strawberries.

LUNCH:  Ceasar salad.  It looks delicious right?  It was, but something was missing.....can you find what's missing?  Croutons.  I need some crunch in my Ceasar salad, but that crunch would come at the cost of 35 calories for THREE croutons, and who eats three croutons?  No one.  So I ate no croutons, 0 calories.

DINNER:  3 oz breaded chicken cutlet (leftover from chicken parmesan night), sweet potato fries, raw carrots and cucumbers.

SNACK:  Air popped corn with 1 T butter, ONE Dib.



Chicken Parmesan and Day 4

Four days of healthier eating, my longest stretch in awhile.  Even though I was the only one home for dinner last night, I decided to make the chicken parmesan.   I already made the sauce and the chicken was already thawed, so I figured I might as well.  Mmmmmmm, it was well worth the effort.  One of my favorite dishes.  I kept some aside for my love to eat when he got home later and dropped the rest off at my parent's house.
BREAKFAST:  Chobani pineapple yogurt with fresh blackberries, raspberries, strawberries and pineapple.
LUNCH:  Sweet potato fries and two chicken and fruit salad roll-ups.
DINNER:  Chicken parmesan (1.5 cups spaghetti, 3/4 cup sauce, 3 oz chicken breast, 1/2 slice swiss cheese.)
SNACK:  Air-popped corn with 1 T butter.



Homemade Pasta Sauce (adapted from Cooking Light Recipe with my personal changes to suit my tastes.)

• 1 teaspoon olive oil
• 1 cup chopped onion
• 4 garlic cloves, minced
• 2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
• 2 tablespoon sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon dried basil
• 1 small can tomato paste
• 1 teaspoon dried Italian seasoning
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 28 oz can crushed tomatoes
  
  
• 2 tsp dried parsley

Heat oil in a saucepan or large skillet over medium-high heat. Add onion and garlic; sauté 5 minutes. Stir in balsamic and next 6 ingredients (balsamic through tomatoes), and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium, and cook, uncovered, about 15 minutes, (but I always end up cooking it for an hour or two. Stir in parsley.

Chicken Parmesan Cooking Light September 1998

• 4 (4-ounce) skinned, boned chicken breast halves
• 1/2 cup seasoned breadcrumbs
• 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 1/2 teaspoon dried Italian seasoning
• 1/8 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 large egg whites, lightly beaten2 teaspoons olive oil
• 4 cups hot cooked spaghetti (about 8 ounces uncooked pasta)
• 3 cups tomato sauce
• 1 cup (4 ounces) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese

Preparation

Place each chicken breast half between 2 sheets of heavy-duty plastic wrap; flatten to 1/4-inch thickness using a meat mallet or rolling pin.
Combine breadcrumbs, Parmesan cheese, Italian seasoning, and pepper in a shallow dish. Dredge 1 chicken breast half in flour. Dip in egg whites; dredge in breadcrumb mixture. Repeat procedure with remaining chicken, flour, egg whites, and breadcrumb mixture.
Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add chicken; cook 5 minutes on each side or until done.
Place 1 cup spaghetti in each of 4 gratin dishes. Spoon 1/2 cup Ultimate Quick-and-Easy Pasta Sauce over each serving. Top each with 1 chicken breast half. Spoon 1/4 cup sauce over each serving. Sprinkle each serving with 1/4 cup mozzarella cheese.
Preheat broiler. Place gratin dishes on a baking sheet; broil 3 minutes or until cheese melts. Garnish with basil sprigs, if desired.

Sweet Potato Fries

French fries are one of my favorite foods.  A food I refuse to give up, which completely eliminates all varieties of low carb diets.  Thankfully, I don't have to give them up.  Many years ago, during her skinny years, Oprah had her chef on her show, and they made oven baked french fries.  The secret ingredient in making great oven fries is egg whites!  It makes them crispy and delicious.  Recently, I tried making sweet potato fries in the same manner and they are equally as fabulous, and I am not a sweet potato fan because of the stringy texture, not a problem with fries.

1/2 a peeled sweet potato cut into strips
1 egg white
Seasoned salt, pepper, and cayenne.  (I have also tried cinnamon, but I prefer the savory sweet combo.)

Simply beat the egg white, add the spices, coat the potatoes with the mixture, place in a single layer on a pan sprayed with Pam, put into a preheated 475 degree oven for 20 to 30 minutes.

Sweet potato fries with a fruit and chicken salad rollup.  YUM!

Challenge Proves to be...Challenging.

I was hungry yesterday, but I made it through the day meeting my goal of eating healthier and eating less.  I planned on making an old favorite recipe of mine, Cooking Light Chicken Parmesan, homemade sauce and all.  I had the sauce simmering on the stove when my fiance called and asked if it was okay if he subbed for his work's bowling team.  "Sure, whatever you want to do."  Was what came out of my mouth, while my mind said, but I haven't seen you since Sunday, except for when you get into bed at night and out of bed in the morning.  I have been nannying for my two baby nieces for 10 hours a day, taking care of my own three boys, playing taxi, taking care of the house, laundry, cooking, etc., and then working my second job for a couple hours in the evening after the kids go to bed.  Forgive me for being a tad bit overwhelmed.  Then I think no wonder I eat junk and way too much of it, but then that is just another excuse, so the pasta sauce became pizza sauce and we had a much simpler meal of mini pizzas, still on plan.
BREAKFAST:  Chobani strawberry yogurt with fresh pineapple, strawberries, blackberries and raspberries.
LUNCH:  Chicken and fruit salad wraps (Two LaTortilla factory high fiber tortillas, 4 oz rotisserie chicken, 7 grapes, 1/4 cup pineapple, romaine lettuce, and 1 T Ken's poppyseed dressing.)  YUM.
SNACK:  Grapes, strawberries, Trader Joes Chocolate Chip Brownie Oat Bar.
DINNER:  2 homemade mini cheese pizzas.
SNACK:  Air popped corn with 1 T butter.

Turkey Day Challenge

This Monday I began a personal short challenge.  It is simple, eating better and eating less until Thanksgiving, 17 days.  Okay, so nothing is simple when it comes to my weight and eating habits.   Intellectually, it is straightforward.  The difference healthy eating makes in my energy levels, mood, and overall wellness should make it worth it alone, vanity aside.  So why is it so damn hard?  Eating better will mean eating plenty of fruits and vegetables-the refigerator was completely bare of these items with the exception of some apples and five mushy raspberries.  I am going to think about what I want versus what my body needs and how delicious the foods my body needs actually taste.  Seriously, Pringles taste like powered cheese covered paper, oranges taste like natures candy, so why do I choose the Pringles?  Equally important, I am going to eat single servings of foods.  AND I am going to record my choices here.  I didn't get to grocery shopping until Tuesday night,but the fridge is packed with healthy foods now.  This isn't going to be perfect, but it is going to be better,- It is going to be honest with myself, the good, the not so good, and the downright ugly.  17 days, -2, 15 more to go.

MONDAY:
BREAKFAST:  1/4 cup steel cut oats, 1/2 T natural pb, cinnamon, vanilla, splenda.
LUNCH:  Trader Joes Reduced Guilt Mac and Cheese.
DINNER:  Cajun spiced chicken breast, brown rice, broccoli and cauliflower, olive oil.

TUESDAY:
BREAKFAST:  1/4 cup steel cut oats, 1/2 T natural pb, cinnamon, vanilla, splenda.
LUNCH:  Yesterday's dinner leftovers.
SNACK:  6 Triscuits, 1 oz goat cheese.
DINNER:  Rotisserie chicken breast with skin, Romaine salad with strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, pineapple, and 2 T Ken's light poppyseed dressing.
SNACK:  1/4 cup air-popped corn with 1 T of butter. 

Say What???

I have eaten better in the last 10 days.  Not perfect, but better, no binging.  Some days weren't good, but no days were horrible.  The last two days, I drank a lot of water, ran, ate a lot of fruits and veggies and overall good clean foods, so I felt brave enough to weight myself today.  I stepped on the scale this morning 142!?!  Up five pounds in 10 days eating better than I have in a month???  WHAT?  HOW?  138 is my absolute top limit, so something must be done, NOW.  I started birth control about 25 days ago.  Maybe that is contributing to my increased hunger.  But am I really hungry or just eating?  Just eating.  The last four days my tatas have been very sore.  My boobs always get bigger on hormonal birth control, but 5 pounds bigger????

So what to do?  For one more week, I am going to stick with eating good foods that will nourish my body.  This eliminates Doritos, Skittles, and most snack foods.  Then I will reevaluate and see if I need to start calorie counting again.  I really do not want to, but why not?  It isn't hard.  It isn't time consuming.  It is just....restrictive.  But look where loosening up the reigns has gotten me since I stopped counting every calorie that crossed my lips the first week of July.....4 months, and 13 pounds heavier than my lightest.

I am also considering signing up for a 10K on Thanksgiving day.

Okay, less thinking, less planning, more action.

Ongoing Process

Uggghhhh, I have gained about six pounds over the last two months.  I feel so blech, so fat, so dissatisfied that when I look in the mirror I am expecting to see the 170ish pound Meem looking back at me.  What I see is the 137 lb me, and it's not so bad, but I feel like crap, no energy, headaches, fatigued.  I start the day out saying I will do better today, and then the 3:00 p.m. munchies hit, then the dread of what I just ate, and then the I will do better tomorrows start, a daily cycle.  My jeans feel a little snug. 

Why is this so hard?  I could blame having kids and their junk food in the house.  I could blame it on moving in with my fiance and having to cook and shop for his tastes too, which don't lean towards the healthy side-at all.  But really, it is all on ME, my body, my choices.

I had an afternoon to myself yesterday.  I planned to go for a run and then come home and make brownies.  I ran 3.5 miles, really hard miles.  I've only been running once or twice a week and my aerobic endurance was feeling the slip yesterday.   I decided those miles were WAY too much work to blow on one little brownie and came home and had an apple instead.  I chose Subway for dinner last night.   Fast food, but a healthier fast food choice.  My fiance asked if I wanted him to bring wings home.  I said no, I just ate dinner.  He said not now, when I come home later tonight.  I said no I need to start eating less crap.   Then I decided to make "the kids" those brownies afterall.   The difficulty of the afternoon long forgotten, I ate one....with a scoop of icecream.  My fiance came home about 9:00 p.m........with a bag of 50 to 60 wings.  I said I'd have one; I ate four.

It's simple.  I just to need to say NO to crap food.  It makes me feel like crap.  It makes my jeans hurt.  Just say no.....yet that bucket of leftover wings in the fridge is calling my name loudly.  It is just FOOD.  Good healthy food tastes good, it makes me feel good, so why do I keep choosing to eat too much unhealthy food?

I will eat LESS junk.
I will eat MORE healthy food.
I will drink MORE water.
I will run MORE often.

I Need a Run!

My last run was on Thursday, four days ago.  I knew I wouldn't get a run in Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, and I was fine with that.  I definitely got a workout in with moving boxes, up and down stairs for three days.  My thighs and knees were feeling it!  But it just isn't the same.  I do believe I have become addicted to running, not as addicted as I am to coffee, but addicted just the same.  The weather was perfect for running yesterday, and my legs were just twitching to go, but there just wasn't time.  Body and soul, I need I run today and must find a way! 

Tell The World I'm Coming Home!

It is moving day!!!!!  For the first time ever we will be HOME together tonight.  His arms have felt like my home for the past 3 years, and now I will be there every single night.  I was thinking last night of the day we came to live with my parents five years ago.  It was an emergent situation, and we just left with nothing, unprepared.  I sobbed that night and many others in my childhood bedroom feeling like I had failed my kids and myself.  I missed my home desperately.  It was a very nice house, but it wasn't about the house, the walls, or the things it contained, it was the HOME feeling.  And now....my eyes well up every time I think about my parents' generosity, their sacrifice, what they gave up to give us a place to stay.  They watched my kids every Friday and Saturday night for three years while I worked, and plenty of weeknights while I was at school too.  My dad coached my son's baseball teams, was a pillar of strength and the best example of a man that I will ever know.  I can't even begin to touch on all they have done.  What they gave to my kids is priceless.  I don't know how to begin to thank them.

So as I go home today, I am crying tears of gratitude and tears of joy, but none of sadness.

It’s what made me, saved me, drove me crazy
Drove me away than embraced me
Forgave me for all of my shortcomings
Welcome to my homecoming
Yeah it’s been a long time coming
Lot of fights, lot of scars, lot of bottles
Lot of cars, lot of ups, lot of downs

Opening Doors

We got the key to our new home on Friday!  I had been so amped up, anxious, not sleeping, wondering if we had made the right decision when choosing this house, worrying about everyone getting along, the kids adjusting, and little things like where will the couch fit.  I was mentally and physically exhausted, totally wiped out.  But then we got the key, and suddenly it was final, the decision had been made, and it was happening.  I spent the weekend cleaning the house and somehow scrubbing it with own two hands made it feel like home.  I am feeling much more relaxed, less edgy, and excited.  This weekend is moving weekend!  Finally, a home of our own!  Another step in the right direction.

Unfortunately, all this stress means I haven't been on par with eating healthy, and that is an understatement.  Equally as detrimental as the stress has been my lack of grocery shopping.  My boys spent two weeks at their dad's.  I never cook when they are gone and just ate whatever I came upon.  Then they came home, but I wasn't sure if we were moving in five days or two weeks, so I didn't want to stock the house with groceries and we ate what we had left here.  That means I haven't seriously shopped in nearly a month, which leads to a lack of healthy, fresh foods.  Not to mention it is football season, and we don't get home until nearly 8 o'clock.  We come home starving and needing quick foods. My eating has been a disaster and the numbers on the scale reflected that this morning.

The moving will be complete this weekend.  I will be stocking the cupboards and fridge, and I will be planning ahead for dinners, so we aren't coming home ravenous to an empty, cold oven.

Football practice has been in full swing for nearly two weeks now, and I have been doing well getting my running miles in.  It has been a struggle though.  I was chalking it up to running during the hottest part of the day, but it occurred to me yesterday that it is probably also due to a lack of proper nutrition, so there is a little more motivation for me to eat well.

A Major Evolution Is Underway

After much searching, my fiance and I signed a lease on a house last week!  This means that my three boys and I will be moving out of my parents house and into our own home.  Big, big news!  I am excited and yet terrified.  All the what ifs, the unknowns, the scariness of blending two families into one small space.  Between the two of us, we have four boys.  I have so many worries and fears that I am allowing it to overshadow my joy.  I have had so many sleepless nights wondering about big things and little silly things too.  I need to get over it.  I need to relax, bend a little, go with it, and just trust that it will all work out.  My fiance has been amazingly patient with me and my neuroses.  I can hardly stand myself, but somehow he keeps on loving me and tries his best to make me happy.



I went shopping tonight.  I have not stepped foot in the home goods area of a store in years.  In fact, I stopped shopping as a social activity with my mom, sister, and friends completely.  They would inevitably wander into the home area of the store, and it was just too difficult for me to face.  But tonight, I bought things for MY new home.  My favorite thing that I bought was a cute pink and green apron with layers of ruffles, very vintage looking, and I bought matching potholders too!  Very feminine.  Since I am the only girl, in a family of six, that was the only pink frilly thing I allowed myself.  I was ogling the Calvin Klein comforters at Macy's.  They are all very casual, but felt so soft and well....comforting in their casual style and quality.  They were very pricey though, so I searched every store online and in person for something I loved equally.  Then it happened....I was passing a Burlington Coat Factory, I had already been shopping four hours in three inch heals, but decided what the heck, I'll check there, and they had a CK comforter with shams for just $69!!!  The price in store was about $200 on sale, regular $350, so I was thrilled to pieces!  I got a bunch of other stuff too, but I won't bore you with the details.  We'll just say, I am ridiculously happy to have picked out my very own shower curtain and kitchen towels.

I want this.  I want this more than I am afraid of it.  But I am not going to lie, I am scared as hell.  I would guess that is normal, maybe it is healthier than going into it thinking a step-family is gonna be all sugar and roses.  I don't know, but I do want this, more than anything, I want THIS.  I would also like to be able sleep soundly tonight, please and thank you Mr. Sandman.

100 Miles

Today, about three months after downloading the Nike+ app for my iPod, I ran 4.25 miles and ended on a total of exactly 100.0 total miles.  The heat the last three weeks has been really cutting into my run time, so it took me a little longer than anticipated, but I've finally gotten there.

To celebrate I gave myself an early gift.  A totally cool headband I found on Etsy made by http://deshlerdesigns.com/.   Since I got my hair cut too short to put in a pony, I have been on a hunt for something to keep my hair out of my face without much luck.  Headbands just slipped right off my head while running.  Then I found this one.  It doesn't move at all, absolutely, positively stays put!  It is a miracle.  Did I mention it is super cute?  Cause it is.  I had a hard time picking just one.  Now that I know it works, I'll be picking up some more.

More about today's run.....it was hot, it was sweaty, miles 2 through 3 were made miserable by a stitch in my side, but I felt strong at mile 3.5 and decided to keep on running past my house and around a few more blocks for a total of 4.24 miles, my longest run in a month.  I started by running to the high school track, something I rarely do.

PROS of running at the HS track: 

1. Surface feels soft and cushiony under my feet.  I kept thinking it felt like I was running on clouds, which is a bit of an exaggeration, but I was bored and needed imagery. 
2. Lapping a lady jogger twice, ego booster!  And no, she was not 90.

CONS of running at the HS track:

1. Endless, boring, mindless, scenery-free circles--over and over again.
2. Getting lapped three times by a dude wearing yellow, ego buster.  And no, he was not 19.

After two miles, I couldn't take it any longer and I hit the road running....in my super cute headband and landed on 100.0 total Nike+ miles.

The Last Supper Photo

Facebook has brought me and my old girlfriends from high school back together 17 years post-graduation.  For the last two years, we have been meeting up several times a year and having a great time.  Before I lost the weight, I would commit to a night out with them, and then find myself mentally waffling on whether or not I should actually go.  I would tell myself I had nothing to wear, and this was true because nothing fit.  In the end, I always went and was glad I didn't sit on the sidelines because I felt I was too fat and embarrassed.  The truth is that there were occasions where I hid inside my too large body and missed out on life.  Years ago, I turned down a good friend who asked me to be a bridesmaid because I felt I was too fat.  The friend and I had been bridesmaids in a wedding a couple years prior.  We were both thin at the time, and she made fun of the "fat bridesmaid" in the wedding party.  So, I turned her down not wanting to be the "fat bridesmaid" she talked about in HER wedding.  I missed my sister's graduation from college, the first college graduation in our entire extended family, because I felt too fat.  I didn't attend my aunt's wedding because I was pregnant, had gained 60 lbs, and didn't want to be seen. And those were just the big moments that I recall.  I am sure there were a million little moments I missed hiding under my fat.

My high school friends and I got together between Christmas and New Years.  I was at my absolute fattest and feeling it.  Even though I tried to look good, I am just not one of those women who can look drop dead gorgeous even when they are overweight.  Oh, how I envy those women!  But my skin suffers, the light in my eyes is dim, my hair was falling out and looking drab.  THAT NIGHT I declared out loud to my friends that THIS meal would be my last indulgence for awhile.  I never talk about my weight.  I never make public declarations of my fatness.  But this night, I said it aloud purposely because I knew if I did, I would have to make good on it.

I thought I had no before photos.  I hid from the camera.  But the margaritas were strong in Mexican Town that night and it lowered my inhibitions.  Nearly eight months later, a friend e-mailed me the photos from this night.  I've been struggling lately, some days at maintenance, some at a deficit, and some days over.  The days have been balancing each other out, and so I have maintained, but this photo came at the perfect time to remind myself of what will happen if I keep allowing the bad habits to creep back in.

This is a photo from the night when I publicly declared enough is enough, this is the last time you will see me fat.  And I meant it.

And here I am on the left, 35 lbs lighter and 100 times happier at our latest girls night out seven months later.

Tomorrow Has Finally Come

In my case, it is not a good sign when all is quiet on the homefront, at least diet-wise.  My silence the last three weeks reflects my lack of motivation and my guilt from overeating.  When I find myself grazing, eating an extra night time snack, ordering a pretzel with cheese and a Bosco stick at the self-imposed banned Little League concession stand while telling myself "tomorrow" I will do better, I feel so out of control.  Mentally, I am right back where I was for the last two years, feeling as if I had gained 35 lbs overnight and having lost all self-confidence.

The big "no more crap" moment came after we spent the weekend camping with friends.  To my credit, I did pass up plenty of foods there.  I don't particularly enjoy burgers and detest hotdogs, nor do I like mayo based salads, so it was easy to not partake in too much dinner.  The hobo pie pizza and campfire cherry pie were both a no thank you.  I even passed on the smores.  Actually, now that I think of it, camp food was not a problem at all, but I hadn't had an on plan day in nearly a week before camp.  We picked up a bucket of KFC for lunch on the way home, then 7 o'clock rolled around and the kids were begging for dinner, so I ran to McD.  Well I did not run.  I drove because my butt has been too lazy to run more than once a week for the past three weeks.  I found myself ordering a 6 piece nugget, a hamburger, and a small fry.  I do not like McD (or KFC for that matter), not even a little bit.  Even before I began my healthier lifestyle, I would rarely order something when I take the kids there.  After that rather disgusting meal, I said no more and "tomorrrow" finally came on Monday morning.  I ate well.  I ran.  I drank plenty of water.  On Tuesday I forced myself to face the scale for the first time in over a week.  I had been bouncing between 129 and 132 for the past month.  I mentally prepared myself to see 135, took a deep breath, looked down, and saw 133.  Whew.  Okay.  Not so bad.  I could deal with that.  And two days later I am back at 131, feeling comfortable in my own skin, and in control.

I will break this cycle of losing and gaining the same 35 pounds every two years since I was 16 years old and put myself on a Rice-A-Roni diet.  The panic I feel is a good thing if I use it to grab the rope an reign myself back in.  Tomorrow is today, every single day.