For Real, I Mean It!

I squeezed the first two weeks of the C25K program into one week so that I would have exactly enough time to train for the very first (and only) 5K that I ever watched.  It was four years ago that I went to keep my sister company while her husband ran the race.  It was that day that my sister and I decided the next time we would run too.  The next winter I got through 4 or 5 weeks of the C25K program, but it was cold and I didn't have a treadmill, and when I started back up again in the spring, I hurt my knee and there sat another thing unchecked on my mental bucket list. 

I finished week 4 of C25K, and O-M-G was it hard, but I made it through.  I have a running (no pun intended) dialog in my head.....it goes like this, "You can do this, Meem!  If you can do this, you can do anything!  You can do anything for just five more minutes, four more minutes, three more minutes.....You want to quit cause it is hard?  Are you kidding me?  Seriously?  Keep going!  What hurts?  Nothing?  So why stop?  GO!"  Then I congratulate myself for not dying at the end.

I really do feel like if I can run three miles, if I can accomplish this one dream, that I can find a way to win this race called life.  When I make it through my first 20 straight minutes of running in just three more sessions, I will officially sign up for the race this weekend.  I can do this!

A few side notes:

1. I have lost 11-1/2 pounds since January 1, and I feel so much better.
2. After just 12 sessions of C25K, I have rediscovered that I actually have muscles.  My calves are firm    and show muscle definition!  Just a month ago, I could wobble them to and fro!
3. I went to look at a house to rent.  It was a dump, literally, as in the toilet wouldn't flush.  But the point is, I stepped out of my box, past the just browsing on the Internet stage, called someone, and met them to look at the house.

5K for real this time

I had entertained the thought a few times, running a 5K, but usually think about it 5 days before the race.  The one time I was semi-serious about it, I hurt my knee walking up to the track.  I can accomplish this though, and how proud I would be!  There is a Couch to 5K program that takes 8 weeks to complete.  The race I have wanted to run in for years is 7 weeks away on March 13th.  At that point, I should be up to 2.75 miles.  I think I could push myself the extra 0.25 mile!  Lets do this!  Starting today- Week One!  Go time!

A Tiny Bit Less of Me



I have eaten a reasonable amount of calories, rarely been hungry, drank plenty of water, and lost 4.5 pounds in one week.  Best of all, my pants don't hurt.

I took the advice of a random man giving his friend advice in the grocery store.  He said that Jimmy Dean Delights made an awesome breakfast.  Looking for something that made me feel satisfied longer, I picked up a box of egg white, low fat cheese, and turkey croissants.  Then when I saw them in another grocery store for $2 cheaper, I bought another box in the muffin version.  Okay, I do not much care for sausage patties or eggs.  So why did I think I would like the frozen, overly processed, low fat version?  I will say one good thing, I choked down the worst tasting 290 calories I had eaten all week, and I felt full and satisfied well past noon.

Today, I ate a much more delicious, wholesome, and beautiful breakfast of 1/2 cup Fage yogurt with 1 tsp brown sugar and cinnamon, 1/2 cup of cherries, and apple slices, and I never felt full and at 11:00 a.m. I am hoping lunch comes really quickly.

The moral of the story is never to take the overheard advice of one male talking to another on frozen food shrink wrapped in plastic.  There are a few frozen foods that I enjoy.  Shrink wrapped soggy croissants, rubbery eggs with equally rubbery cheese, and a dry sausage patty are not one of them.

Eat this......



Not that

 Unless your main goal is to feel full and taste is not a priority, i.e. if you are a man shopping on a Sunday with a buddy before the football game.

Now my mission is find something both great tasting and satisfying because I am HUNGRY.

11 days into the New Year

Today is the 11th day of 2011.  I am doing really well on some of my "evolutions".  Unfortunately, no, sex is not one of the ones I am doing well on.  And no, I haven't found a home, or a new job, and my prince hasn't swept me away on his white horse, but Rome wasn't built in 11 days.....was it?  I have no clue how long it took to build Rome.  I have, however, submitted four job applications.  I branched out and put in an application for a very promising job that I meet the qualifications for but would require me to move.  Hey!  Two birds with one stone a home of my own and a job!  I am hoping to hear back on that one.  Work at my current job has been painfully slow, not to mention they "forgot" to mail my check.  I have been proactive and have inquired about the slow work pace.  I have tried to have a small connection with my pre-teen son each day; I think it helps tremendously.  I laughed at my exuberant child as he had his head in the toilet and declared it not his best day and ordered the banana to stay put, "you are not coming out on MY watch."  The New Years "Evolution" I have been working my diligently on is weight loss.  More to come on that in a separate posting.  Progress, slow as it may be, with setback, but yet it feels good.

Resolutions, Evolutions 2011

I am feeling overwhelmed by the amount I want to accomplish in 2011.  I feel like I need a complete overhaul in every area of my life.  Maybe a simple list will help me to focus.
1.  Stand on my own two feet.  Who cares if my legs wobble?  Find a home.
2.  Take chances.  Failure is better than being frozen in fear.
3.  Say yes, thank you.
4.  Find a job that pays what I am worth.
5.  Keep educating myself.  Learn daily.  It feeds me.
6.  Plan a future with my man, seriously.
7.  Love with less walls.
8.  Be less fat.  Be less fat.  Be less fat.  Eat better = Feel better.  Do it.
9.  Go to the doctor.
10.  Be more patient, more kind, more loving, with everyone.  Not perfection, just be better.
11.  Help Boy 3 to achieve his resolution of learning to read better.
12.  Connect with Boy 1 daily.
13.  Be more in the moment, focus.
14.  Don't be afraid to ask.
15.  Embrace Boy 2's exuberance.
16.  Make mornings better, which means clothes and lunches in the evenings.
17.  Less gossip.
18.  More positivity.
19.  More sex.  Ya, I just said that.
20.  There is lots of work to be done, but don't forget to have fun, don't get stuck in worry or drown in self-pity.  There is always hope.  I will find my way in 2011.

Little Moments

I was driving home from a cancelled class on Wednesday and was not in the best of moods.  I had arranged for my sons to go to their father's house a day early for Thanksgiving break so that I could attend the class.   When he picked them up, we had a screaming match over socks in the driveway.  Adults fighting about socks?  Are we insane?  The sock fight, it an ongoing one, and it has absolutely, positively nothing to do with socks.  So, when I got school and found that class was cancelled after I had rearranged work and kids, only to find a sign on the door and no graded papers waiting again, I just had another thing to add to my list of things that are pissing me off.   #3,242 Ethics Class, right behind #3,241  The Sock Fight, which is really The $27,392.02 Fight.
I was driving home on fumes.  My cash funds are running dangerously low.  As I was driving on the expressway so near to the dreaded E, I saw an image of myself stuck on the side of the road, walking with a red gas can up the expressway, three kids in tow, silent tears running down my face, only to get to the gas station and have no money and have to ask someone for help.   I have no red gas can, my kids weren't with me, and I have friends and family I could call for help, but that was the vision I saw.  I stopped at the gas station, swiped my card, and began filling my tank still thinking about that vision.  I hadn't noticed a car pull up to the pump next to me.  I heard a woman talking and looked up and realized she was talking to me.  "I am sorry, I didn't hear you?"  She was standing a bit away so not to scare me.  She repeated herself quietly.  "My fuel gauge doesn't work.  I ran out of gas, and I just need to get home.  Do you have a few dollars you could spare?"  I said, "I am sorry, I don't."  I felt an immediate twinge of regret.   She said, "That is okay.  I understand."   I felt a pang in my heart.   As she turned to walk back to her car, I saw two kids in the car.  The smallest one in the back turned his sweet face and looked me in eye with the biggest, brownest eyes.  This time I felt it in my soul.  What if that were me and my boys?  I can't let those children sit there watching their mother ask not one person, but maybe two, or three, or who knows how many people for gas.  I knew if my 12-year-old son was there, he would he ask me why I said no.  He would say "Just give it to her, Mom.  I will pay you back when we get home.  Please, Mom"  I walked over to her car, she rolled down her window using her old fashioned crank.  I thought I was the only person left in this world with a crank to roll down my window!  I silently handed her money.  With a look of relief and gratitude she quietly thanked me with appreciation.  I said nothing because of the lump in my throat and held back the tears until I got into my car.  Thank you to her, to her brown-eyed boy, to my own generous brown-eyed boy, to my family, to Ron, to all the people I know would come and help me without a second thought if I were the one on the side of the road.  Thanksgiving is a hard day for me.  Not because I am not thankful for all that I do have, but because five years ago on Thanksgiving day my world cracked open, and selfishly I just do not want to share my boys with father on that day, ever.  That lady made Thanksgiving slightly easier for me.  Sharing when you feel you don't have enough for yourself, giving when you feel you have nothing to give, whether it is in the form of money, time, patience, love, it is returned to you in unexpected ways. 

In Search of Home

I have been having a difficult time lately, more difficult than usual.  We have worn out our welcome in my parent's home, a long time ago, but it has come to a point where moving is inevitable.  My parent's have been so very helpful and I am grateful for that.  We have been here for five years, three years longer than planned.  I feel homeless, not in the sense that I do not have a roof over my head, but that I don't have a home, and I need that-we need that.  I have considered letting the boys stay with their dad for awhile while I get on my feet, but to be dead honest when the thought crosses my mind, I also start planning my ending.  A good, good friend, the very best of the best, has offered to keep my boys for as long as I need while I get things in order, but that doesn't feel right either.  So, while it is difficult to stand on these two feet of mine while I have three kids tugging at my hem of my pants, that is my only option.  I need them to motivate me to keep going, and they need me.  They are my family, my heart, my reason for being.
So, the home hunt begins.  At this point, my mind is thinking I either want to find an inexpensive, three bedroom rental home near here, or move as far as I can, which is legally not far, within a 100 mile radius.
You are thinking, what about that man you are dating?  You know that handsome, tall, bald guy I see you around with occasionally?  Haven't you been with him for three years?  Are you two planning a life together?  He knew I was upset.  He asked what was wrong.  I didn't say.  When I finally did tell him that I was considering letting the boys live with their dad even though it would kill me, or that I had to find a place on my own, he excused himself to go to the bathroom.  When he came back, he inquired about spray cheese in a can.  He didn't ask, how are you, how is the house hunt, what are you thinking, how can I help, let's find a house, don't let your boys go, want to stay here, will you marry me?  He said "Want me to go get cheese in a can?"  I left.  Three years.  He knew I was not okay.  The next time I talked to him, and the next, and the next, he didn't inquire, offer support, loving words, a card, a drink.  He loves me, I do know that, and I love him, but for whatever reason neither of us can open up and say what we really want and need from each other.
That leaves me at me, myself, and I.  I need to do this on my own.  I need to find a way, and I will because I have to, because I need to, and because I really want to.
On this Thanksgiving day, I really don't feel like celebrating.  I am grateful for my blessings, my children, my parents, my boyfriend, his son, my siblings, my nieces, having a job, having a car, but holidays without my kids, aren't really holidays at all.