I Need a Run!

My last run was on Thursday, four days ago.  I knew I wouldn't get a run in Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, and I was fine with that.  I definitely got a workout in with moving boxes, up and down stairs for three days.  My thighs and knees were feeling it!  But it just isn't the same.  I do believe I have become addicted to running, not as addicted as I am to coffee, but addicted just the same.  The weather was perfect for running yesterday, and my legs were just twitching to go, but there just wasn't time.  Body and soul, I need I run today and must find a way! 

Tell The World I'm Coming Home!

It is moving day!!!!!  For the first time ever we will be HOME together tonight.  His arms have felt like my home for the past 3 years, and now I will be there every single night.  I was thinking last night of the day we came to live with my parents five years ago.  It was an emergent situation, and we just left with nothing, unprepared.  I sobbed that night and many others in my childhood bedroom feeling like I had failed my kids and myself.  I missed my home desperately.  It was a very nice house, but it wasn't about the house, the walls, or the things it contained, it was the HOME feeling.  And now....my eyes well up every time I think about my parents' generosity, their sacrifice, what they gave up to give us a place to stay.  They watched my kids every Friday and Saturday night for three years while I worked, and plenty of weeknights while I was at school too.  My dad coached my son's baseball teams, was a pillar of strength and the best example of a man that I will ever know.  I can't even begin to touch on all they have done.  What they gave to my kids is priceless.  I don't know how to begin to thank them.

So as I go home today, I am crying tears of gratitude and tears of joy, but none of sadness.

It’s what made me, saved me, drove me crazy
Drove me away than embraced me
Forgave me for all of my shortcomings
Welcome to my homecoming
Yeah it’s been a long time coming
Lot of fights, lot of scars, lot of bottles
Lot of cars, lot of ups, lot of downs

Opening Doors

We got the key to our new home on Friday!  I had been so amped up, anxious, not sleeping, wondering if we had made the right decision when choosing this house, worrying about everyone getting along, the kids adjusting, and little things like where will the couch fit.  I was mentally and physically exhausted, totally wiped out.  But then we got the key, and suddenly it was final, the decision had been made, and it was happening.  I spent the weekend cleaning the house and somehow scrubbing it with own two hands made it feel like home.  I am feeling much more relaxed, less edgy, and excited.  This weekend is moving weekend!  Finally, a home of our own!  Another step in the right direction.

Unfortunately, all this stress means I haven't been on par with eating healthy, and that is an understatement.  Equally as detrimental as the stress has been my lack of grocery shopping.  My boys spent two weeks at their dad's.  I never cook when they are gone and just ate whatever I came upon.  Then they came home, but I wasn't sure if we were moving in five days or two weeks, so I didn't want to stock the house with groceries and we ate what we had left here.  That means I haven't seriously shopped in nearly a month, which leads to a lack of healthy, fresh foods.  Not to mention it is football season, and we don't get home until nearly 8 o'clock.  We come home starving and needing quick foods. My eating has been a disaster and the numbers on the scale reflected that this morning.

The moving will be complete this weekend.  I will be stocking the cupboards and fridge, and I will be planning ahead for dinners, so we aren't coming home ravenous to an empty, cold oven.

Football practice has been in full swing for nearly two weeks now, and I have been doing well getting my running miles in.  It has been a struggle though.  I was chalking it up to running during the hottest part of the day, but it occurred to me yesterday that it is probably also due to a lack of proper nutrition, so there is a little more motivation for me to eat well.

A Major Evolution Is Underway

After much searching, my fiance and I signed a lease on a house last week!  This means that my three boys and I will be moving out of my parents house and into our own home.  Big, big news!  I am excited and yet terrified.  All the what ifs, the unknowns, the scariness of blending two families into one small space.  Between the two of us, we have four boys.  I have so many worries and fears that I am allowing it to overshadow my joy.  I have had so many sleepless nights wondering about big things and little silly things too.  I need to get over it.  I need to relax, bend a little, go with it, and just trust that it will all work out.  My fiance has been amazingly patient with me and my neuroses.  I can hardly stand myself, but somehow he keeps on loving me and tries his best to make me happy.



I went shopping tonight.  I have not stepped foot in the home goods area of a store in years.  In fact, I stopped shopping as a social activity with my mom, sister, and friends completely.  They would inevitably wander into the home area of the store, and it was just too difficult for me to face.  But tonight, I bought things for MY new home.  My favorite thing that I bought was a cute pink and green apron with layers of ruffles, very vintage looking, and I bought matching potholders too!  Very feminine.  Since I am the only girl, in a family of six, that was the only pink frilly thing I allowed myself.  I was ogling the Calvin Klein comforters at Macy's.  They are all very casual, but felt so soft and well....comforting in their casual style and quality.  They were very pricey though, so I searched every store online and in person for something I loved equally.  Then it happened....I was passing a Burlington Coat Factory, I had already been shopping four hours in three inch heals, but decided what the heck, I'll check there, and they had a CK comforter with shams for just $69!!!  The price in store was about $200 on sale, regular $350, so I was thrilled to pieces!  I got a bunch of other stuff too, but I won't bore you with the details.  We'll just say, I am ridiculously happy to have picked out my very own shower curtain and kitchen towels.

I want this.  I want this more than I am afraid of it.  But I am not going to lie, I am scared as hell.  I would guess that is normal, maybe it is healthier than going into it thinking a step-family is gonna be all sugar and roses.  I don't know, but I do want this, more than anything, I want THIS.  I would also like to be able sleep soundly tonight, please and thank you Mr. Sandman.

100 Miles

Today, about three months after downloading the Nike+ app for my iPod, I ran 4.25 miles and ended on a total of exactly 100.0 total miles.  The heat the last three weeks has been really cutting into my run time, so it took me a little longer than anticipated, but I've finally gotten there.

To celebrate I gave myself an early gift.  A totally cool headband I found on Etsy made by http://deshlerdesigns.com/.   Since I got my hair cut too short to put in a pony, I have been on a hunt for something to keep my hair out of my face without much luck.  Headbands just slipped right off my head while running.  Then I found this one.  It doesn't move at all, absolutely, positively stays put!  It is a miracle.  Did I mention it is super cute?  Cause it is.  I had a hard time picking just one.  Now that I know it works, I'll be picking up some more.

More about today's run.....it was hot, it was sweaty, miles 2 through 3 were made miserable by a stitch in my side, but I felt strong at mile 3.5 and decided to keep on running past my house and around a few more blocks for a total of 4.24 miles, my longest run in a month.  I started by running to the high school track, something I rarely do.

PROS of running at the HS track: 

1. Surface feels soft and cushiony under my feet.  I kept thinking it felt like I was running on clouds, which is a bit of an exaggeration, but I was bored and needed imagery. 
2. Lapping a lady jogger twice, ego booster!  And no, she was not 90.

CONS of running at the HS track:

1. Endless, boring, mindless, scenery-free circles--over and over again.
2. Getting lapped three times by a dude wearing yellow, ego buster.  And no, he was not 19.

After two miles, I couldn't take it any longer and I hit the road running....in my super cute headband and landed on 100.0 total Nike+ miles.

The Last Supper Photo

Facebook has brought me and my old girlfriends from high school back together 17 years post-graduation.  For the last two years, we have been meeting up several times a year and having a great time.  Before I lost the weight, I would commit to a night out with them, and then find myself mentally waffling on whether or not I should actually go.  I would tell myself I had nothing to wear, and this was true because nothing fit.  In the end, I always went and was glad I didn't sit on the sidelines because I felt I was too fat and embarrassed.  The truth is that there were occasions where I hid inside my too large body and missed out on life.  Years ago, I turned down a good friend who asked me to be a bridesmaid because I felt I was too fat.  The friend and I had been bridesmaids in a wedding a couple years prior.  We were both thin at the time, and she made fun of the "fat bridesmaid" in the wedding party.  So, I turned her down not wanting to be the "fat bridesmaid" she talked about in HER wedding.  I missed my sister's graduation from college, the first college graduation in our entire extended family, because I felt too fat.  I didn't attend my aunt's wedding because I was pregnant, had gained 60 lbs, and didn't want to be seen. And those were just the big moments that I recall.  I am sure there were a million little moments I missed hiding under my fat.

My high school friends and I got together between Christmas and New Years.  I was at my absolute fattest and feeling it.  Even though I tried to look good, I am just not one of those women who can look drop dead gorgeous even when they are overweight.  Oh, how I envy those women!  But my skin suffers, the light in my eyes is dim, my hair was falling out and looking drab.  THAT NIGHT I declared out loud to my friends that THIS meal would be my last indulgence for awhile.  I never talk about my weight.  I never make public declarations of my fatness.  But this night, I said it aloud purposely because I knew if I did, I would have to make good on it.

I thought I had no before photos.  I hid from the camera.  But the margaritas were strong in Mexican Town that night and it lowered my inhibitions.  Nearly eight months later, a friend e-mailed me the photos from this night.  I've been struggling lately, some days at maintenance, some at a deficit, and some days over.  The days have been balancing each other out, and so I have maintained, but this photo came at the perfect time to remind myself of what will happen if I keep allowing the bad habits to creep back in.

This is a photo from the night when I publicly declared enough is enough, this is the last time you will see me fat.  And I meant it.

And here I am on the left, 35 lbs lighter and 100 times happier at our latest girls night out seven months later.

Tomorrow Has Finally Come

In my case, it is not a good sign when all is quiet on the homefront, at least diet-wise.  My silence the last three weeks reflects my lack of motivation and my guilt from overeating.  When I find myself grazing, eating an extra night time snack, ordering a pretzel with cheese and a Bosco stick at the self-imposed banned Little League concession stand while telling myself "tomorrow" I will do better, I feel so out of control.  Mentally, I am right back where I was for the last two years, feeling as if I had gained 35 lbs overnight and having lost all self-confidence.

The big "no more crap" moment came after we spent the weekend camping with friends.  To my credit, I did pass up plenty of foods there.  I don't particularly enjoy burgers and detest hotdogs, nor do I like mayo based salads, so it was easy to not partake in too much dinner.  The hobo pie pizza and campfire cherry pie were both a no thank you.  I even passed on the smores.  Actually, now that I think of it, camp food was not a problem at all, but I hadn't had an on plan day in nearly a week before camp.  We picked up a bucket of KFC for lunch on the way home, then 7 o'clock rolled around and the kids were begging for dinner, so I ran to McD.  Well I did not run.  I drove because my butt has been too lazy to run more than once a week for the past three weeks.  I found myself ordering a 6 piece nugget, a hamburger, and a small fry.  I do not like McD (or KFC for that matter), not even a little bit.  Even before I began my healthier lifestyle, I would rarely order something when I take the kids there.  After that rather disgusting meal, I said no more and "tomorrrow" finally came on Monday morning.  I ate well.  I ran.  I drank plenty of water.  On Tuesday I forced myself to face the scale for the first time in over a week.  I had been bouncing between 129 and 132 for the past month.  I mentally prepared myself to see 135, took a deep breath, looked down, and saw 133.  Whew.  Okay.  Not so bad.  I could deal with that.  And two days later I am back at 131, feeling comfortable in my own skin, and in control.

I will break this cycle of losing and gaining the same 35 pounds every two years since I was 16 years old and put myself on a Rice-A-Roni diet.  The panic I feel is a good thing if I use it to grab the rope an reign myself back in.  Tomorrow is today, every single day.