Love/Hate Relationship

I have been alone for the last 22 hours.  In those 22 hours, I have realized that I simultaneously both love and hate being alone.  I enjoy the peace, the quiet, the stillness.  But those very things allow the opportunity for thought, reflection.  When I let myself think, the thoughts are rarely positive.  The thoughts are overwhelming.  I feel there is so much to do, so much dissatisfaction in so many areas.  I am rarely alone, but I always feel lonely, so it isn't the loneliness that grabs me.  Grabs me....I need something to grab me, to shake me, to fix me for I feel broken.  Today, I feel broken.  I don't know if I have ever felt that way.  I can feel my heartbeat in my ears, hear my breath as if it was not my own.  What is this?  Brokenness, depression, exhaustion, a disconnect? All of the above?  I don't want to move.  I want to feel the aloneness, but I don't want to feel it.
I am constantly stressed, annoyed, tired, anxious, angry, guilty, perhaps worst of all just not in the moment, which magnifies every other emotion.  I have fought it, but I am weary of the fight.  Maybe I need to feel this for now. 
Every day my sons save my life.  Without them I don't know what my purpose would be.  They are worth the struggle.  I wish I could be more for their sakes and for mine.  Be more.  I am asking myself to be more.  Please, just be more, get better, be better.  I can do this. 

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
~ Anias Nin

Ask and You Shall Receive

In order to get what you want, you have to put it out there, make it known to yourself and others that this is what you desire. I need to ask for what I want. "Ask." How can something so simple be so difficult for me. If I don't state what I want clearly and consisely at the very least to myself, how can I receive or acheive it? I need to get over the fear of failure and JUMP in. Enough baby steps. I need more motion, to step outside my box, to spread my wings; failure is so much better than being frozen in a block of fear.

I will start by asking myself for five things that I want:
1. Home.
2. Autonomy.
3. Full-time job with benefits.
4. Healthy self-image, body and mind.
5. Peaceful state of being, which to me means less judgements, less anger, more patience, kindness, and respect.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, and catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark Twain

So Much To Say

I have just begun this project, and I am already at a loss for what to say. Not that I don't have a lot to say, I do. I just don't know where to begin. In fact, many of my life dissatisfactions exist because I don't have a starting point. Two days ago while in the shower, in tears, I was thinking about the title of this blog, "The Evolution of Meem." I don't cry often, but when I do, it is often in the shower. Anyway, what struck me at that moment was the "Destruction of Meem." Not having a home of my own to raise my children has nearly-emphasis on nearly-destroyed me, us really. That is my biggest failing, my problem most urgently needing to be solved, but so many other things need to be in place first, and it is just so overwhelming.

My sister put an offer in on a house and it was accepted. I am so very proud of her. She deserves every single good thing that has come her way. She has earned it. The home sounds amazing. She didn't tell me when she put her house up for sale, or when her home was sold, and probably wouldn't have told me about this, but I answered the phone when she called for our mother. We have always been close and shared so much. I know she didn't say anything to me because she feels guilty, or like she would be bragging, or who knows, but I am truly happy for her and a little hurt she didn't let me share in this accomplishment with her. Am I envious? Sure. When she said "cul-de-sac" those words struck my heart a bit. Funny the odd thing that hits you. My home was on a cul-de-sac.

I don't need a cul-de-sac, a fancy home, or even cable TV for that matter. I just need a home to call ours. I live here in this house, but it just is not home.

So, what am I going to do about it?

One Year From Now

One year from now,where will I be? Today, 10/08/2010, my children and I are living in my parents home, my oldest son suffers from anxiety, I have begun having panic attacks or health issues, I am not sure which, my children's father is unemployed and currently in jail for failing to help provide for our children,my funds are running out, and the word that comes to mind when I think of my life today is circles. I did the "right" thing. I went to school and earned a degree while working part-time at a banquet hall on weekend nights. Unfortunately, I got a degree in a field where the pay is low and the benefits are nonexistant. I am working full time from home, and started going back to school part time,but can't say with certainty what I want to be when I grow up. I have a man that I love, and that loves me, but our progress in our relationship, much like the rest of my life, is painfully slow. I need to make progress in every area of my life. As a mother, professionally, educationally, romantically, self-image, self-worth, health wise. I need to find out what it is exactly that I want and how to get it. Ready, set, go!