Shrinking from Compliments

I had one person comment on my weight loss when I lost about 8 pounds.  I hadn't noticed much of a difference myself, besides in the way my jeans fit, so she must be very perceptive.  She was the only one who said anything at all until now and I was good with that.  It makes me uncomfortable when people, especially people I don't know all that well, comment on my weight.  All of the sudden people have started commenting.  My sister asked why I had to get "skinny" while she was pregnant.  My brother-in-law said "What's up, Slim?"  My brother had enough tact to just say "Happy Easter, Sister.  You look great!"  So, though the comments ran the gamut, I was fine with them all since I am close to them.

On the other hand, it makes me really uncomfortable when acquaintances take note.  It usually starts with an up and down eye assessment and ends with something with the word "skinny" in it.  I've been told I need to stop "shrinking" and should "stop now."  One of the nicest compliments was from a casual friend who came up to me and said "You are beautiful."  I looked around to see who she was talking to.  I didn't reply in case she wasn't talking to me.  She then looked at me straight in the eye and said "Well, you are."  I think I need to learn to take compliments better.  They are all attempting to compliment me and I need to be more gracious in my acceptance.

Now......the day that I got the comments from two separate people saying I should stop shrinking and stop losing weight now, I think it took up some space in my head and affected my eating decisions.  That was the day that I was starving at the skating rink and ate cheese dipped in nacho cheese, seriously!  And when my cheese filled breadstick ran out long before my nacho cheese ran out, I scanned the vending machines to look for something else that could possibly dipped in cheese.  Thankfully, I regained some composure and pawned the cheese off on my eldest son.  I wonder though, how much those words played in knocking out my food plan that day.  It is good for me to be aware of this, so that I can react better in the future.

I will practice properly thanking people for their comments.  What is a proper response to "You need to stop shrinking now" though?  Thank you just doesn't seem right, though I am sure it is intended to be a compliment.

"Do or Do Not. There Is No Try." Says Yoda

And that is the extent of my Star Wars knowledge.  I just love that quote.  A friend is on this journey with me.  She has been veering off track.  I texted her a message yesterday saying I had a few off days, but was jumping back in full force and asked if she was in.  She said she was just lecturing herself and that she would "try" to do better today, which gave me the opportunity to throw out that Yoda quote.

Lunch:  Chicken, potato, butternut squash, and pearl onion hash with a sprinkle of parmesan cheese.  Everything is better with parmesan!

Yesterday was a better day diet-wise for me.  It helped that I was still pretty full and satisfied from yesterday's free for all.  I tried out a new to me vegetable.  I baked a butternut squash.  It was a pain in the rear to cut and peel, and I kept thinking it must have been put on this earth for sharp-toothed beings, that if this was meant for human consumption surely it would be easier to get to the inside, but it was worth it, very delicious, almost like pumpkin pie.  Dinner for me was pasta, chicken, and broccoli with a pat of butter, a wedge of laughing cow, and a sprinkle of parmesan cheese.  The rest of the family had the same but with real alfredo sauce and breadsticks.  I try to make family favorites that I can modify for myself.

 I had some (more) family stress yesterday.  So after all had settled, I hopped on my treadmill for a therapy session.  I released tears in the form of sweat.  Pounded out my frustrations.  Listened to Christina belt out "Stronger."  Thought about how I am not meant to live this life.  Wished that all the people who know it all and have all the answers would just step up and say it, and then came to the conclusion that I am the only one who can fix this.  "Do or do not.  There is no try."  No one is going to give me the answer.  I need to find it myself.  I began running to prove to myself that I can do anything that I set my mind to.  Now I need to move onto the next step even if it means moving to an area I really would rather not live in, my kids changing schools, giving up after school sports and activities.  I cannot go on this miserable.  I will do.

Self-Bias...Rationalizing Our Own Mistakes

I was going to start this out by saying that I have been off track this week *because* I have been stressed, *because* it was Easter, *because* it was my son's 10th birthday, but on my four minute ride home from my sons' school this morning, I caught one minute of a radio show.   The radio psychologist said that when we make mistakes, we say to ourselves is okay *because* <insert rationalization here>, but when someone else messes up, we don't give that person the same leeway, we say they messed up because they are inadequate, ignorant, weak, stupid, bad with money, irresponsible, etc.  The topic was self-bias, and I only heard 45 seconds of it, so I didn't hear the conclusion, but I am sure it was that we should take on more personal responsibility for our own mistakes, while being more forgiving of others at the same time.

So, I messed up.  I enjoyed Easter moderately going about 500-700 calories over my normal allotment.  Food is part of family holiday gatherings and I have no guilt for that.  Then Tuesday came and I had a bout of stress eating and went 192 calories over.  I wasn’t pleased with myself, not so much because I thought 192 calories was going to affect my health efforts, but because I ate about 1000 calories in a moment of stress, displaying lack of self-control.

Then there was yesterday.  My 10-year-old and I made a homemade key lime pie for his birthday.  Another one of life's cannot be missed moments, eating pie with my baby on his birthday.  It would truly disappoint him if I did not partake.   I tried to make room for the pie in my daily calories.  That was my first mistake.  It is not easy to make room for a 500 calorie dessert when you are eating 1195 calories a day.  I had 200 calories of fruit and almonds for breakfast.  I made a beautiful 230 calorie salad of chicken, romaine, sunflower seeds, parmesan, strawberries, and pineapple with raspberry vinaigrette for lunch.  It was delicious and nutritious, and would have been satisfying, had their been a sourdough roll with pat of butter along side.  Oh, how I miss Panera!

Then.....I went to a skating rink hungry, knowing I wouldn't be home for another 4+ hours (mistake #2).  I had two slices of pizza, one Bosco stick dipped in nacho cheese, and half a small frozen coke.  Then we went to baseball practice where I ate another PB egg.  Why in the world did I buy those AFTER Easter?  Because they were on clearance, that’s why (mistake #3).  We went home and instead of just the planned pie, I said what the heck, why not to ice-cream too (mistake #4).  By then it was 9 o'clock, and I had a raging headache.  I laid on the couch and feel asleep.  I never do that!  I woke up an hour later and felt so crummy that I thought I must be getting sick.  It didn't occur to me until today when I woke up feeling fine, that it was probably the effects of all that junk food. 

So, I made several food mistakes yesterday and was not going to even bother tallying up the numbers for the first time in four months, but then I did.  2,270 total calories for the day, 1076 over budget.  Not good, but in the grand scheme of things, not too bad, slightly over maintenance level.  I messed up for a few days there, but I am back, taking responsibility and moving forward.

I must say the homemade key lime pie with real whipped cream was worth every calorie.  The rest of the junk, not so much!

Easter Eve

The lower carb experiment was put to rest a day early.  When I began laying awake in bed at night thinking of pizza, I remembered why I don't eliminate any particular food.  I made it through two nights of that and was still plugging on, but today was a busy day filled with cleaning, running, shopping, baseball practice, egg dying, DQ (for the kids only, I swear) and basketball, so I grabbed an apple and a KIND bar on my way out the door to baseball practice and ate it at the field for lunch.  On one hand, I don't feel badly that I only made it through 5 of the 6 planned days because I know it wouldn't work long term, so there was no use in continuing.  On the other hand, I had committed myself to 6 days, not five.

Today, my 10-year-old son ran with me.  The plan was for him to hang out at the park with his brothers while I looped around the park, then I heard him behind me.  He said he was going to run to "get in shape for football."  But I know the truth, he is afraid of bees, dogs, and people and didn't want to be away me.  So, he ran.  And run he did!  He ran a full two miles without stopping and without complaint.  I was so proud of him.

I decided on a new race and posted it on my Facebook asking if any of my running friends want to join me.  Two or three people say they are in for the race!  I am excited about it and hope at least one actually shows!  It is the day before Mother's Day.

I filled the Easter baskets tonight and a whole bunch of eggs too.  I did not eat one single tiny jelly bean, not a swedish fish, or a chocolate egg.  Nothing.  I was so proud that I had to document the moment with a picture.

 Then I had a little moment of sadness.....I hate the holidays on my own.  I should have a partner with this egg filling and hiding business.  The thought makes me want to go find those eggs I hid and eat all the candies, but my kids would be disappointed to find empty eggs in the morning, so I will refrain.

I have been planning my Easter breakfast all week.  I am going to have an egg.....a Reese Peanut Butter Egg, then I am going to run, then.....I am not sure-to indulge or not to indulge in Easter dinner, that is the question.  I probably will to some extent, not a full out free day, but a small portion of everything yummy.

BEST TIDBIT OF THE DAY:  Three people in the last two days have called me "skinny."  The weight loss is finally showing.

Your Swimsuit is Calling. Sorry, Wrong Number!

I got an email from Old Navy last week titled "Your swimsuit is calling."  It is only April.  It snowed on Monday.  It is still 30 to 45 degrees most days!  Obviously, the swimsuit has the wrong number and is trying to call someone in the South because us northern girls haven't even begun thinking about bathing suits.  But it planted a seed.  Darn you Old Navy!  Yesterday, I pulled out my swim suits.  I tried each one on.  I took pictures.  Relax!!!  You can uncover your eyes!  I am not posting them....yet.  No promises that I won't when I lose another 10 pounds for comparison photos though.  I looked in the mirror and cringed.  Funny thing is though, when I looked at the photos a couple hours later, I didn't seem to look so bad.  I don't know if I was just being overly critical of myself, or if the flatness of photos gave me a smoother look.  I have 7 or 8 weeks until the kids get out of school and beach season begins.  I would like to lose another 10 pounds and tone up a bit by then, so the photos will serve as motivation and hopefully will give me a sense of accomplishment mid-June.

I decided to conduct a little experiment with myself this week and try making my diet lower in carbs and eating more whole foods.  I have had four solid weeks of weight loss, no stalls, so I am not sure why I am conducting this trial now, other than boredom, just to mix it up and see what happens with my weight, my energy level, and my satiety.  I am not going super low carb and am keeping the same calories. I am just cutting out the KIND bars, the Lindt dark chocolate and sea salt bars, pasta, rice, potatoes, oatmeal, popcorn, chips, crackers, and bread.  Interestingly, I have lost nearly two pounds in two days since I began, bringing me into a new weight "decade."  WOOHOO!! KUMBAYA!!  YIPPEE!!  Okay, I have control of myself.  Needless to say, that makes me very happy.

For now though, that swimsuit has the wrong number, call again in July!

Drinking and Dieting

I tend to dread going out with my boyfriend, friends, or family.  I have a very hard time summoning up the willpower required to order the things I should off the menu despite the best layed plans, then there is the alcohol factor.  Besides the one margarita I had to celebrate my race, I have consumed no alcohol since New Years Eve.

So, when I was invited to a night of drinking and dancing with friends, I thought of the perfect solution to make sure I did not overindulge in calorie laden drinks.  I would volunteer to be the designated driver.  Now, I rarely do this because I go out probably six to eight times a year and want to make the best of it.  So, last night my was turn.   I had two diet cokes with cherry vodka, finishing those by 10:00 and leaving at 1:30.  I got in my car and for some odd reason checked my purse to make sure I still had my license.  I didn't.  I said I would call the bar tomorrow, but my friend insisted I go back in and ask "in case you get pulled over."   I hadn't been pulled over in all my 34 years, but I went back in and came back out empty handed.  Damn.  What a major inconvenience.

My friend was hungry and so we stopped at Taco Bell.  I ordered a diet Coke even though I was ravenous too.   Turned out onto the road, and a moment later my friend tells me I am being pulled over. WHAT?????  Sure enough there were flashing lights in my rear view mirror.  Turns out there were no left hand turns coming out of TB.  What better place for a cop to hide at 2:00 a.m. than a TB with an obscure no left hand turn sign for no apparent reason????  Of course, he asks for my license.  "I lost it tonight."  Likely story, right?  He asks if I have been drinking.  "I had two drinks and nothing in the last four hours."  Likely story, right?  Thank God he didn't ask for my insurance because I just switched insurance companies and hadn't put the new policy in the glovebox.  He does a "follow the pen test."  He runs my license.   I have a perfect record.  He said he was just "looking for drunks" and he let me go despite the illegal left hand turn and not having my license on me.  Thank goodness!  What are the chances?  I felt incredibly lucky. I was really worried that I could possibly blow the breathalyzer test.  I had only two drinks and they were so long ago, but I had only eaten 1100 calories of food for the day, and hardly drink, so while I felt fine, I wasn't 110% sure how my body would metabolize the alcohol.  I feel strongly about not drinking and driving and wouldn't have had more than two in that time period, one in a shorter time period, diet or not.

I learned my lesson.  I will never offer to be the designated driver again.  My friends will be thrilled.

Top 5 Foods

I use an application for my Ipod called LoseIt to track my calories.  I absolutely love it.  It is my favorite weight loss tool ever.  There is also a website, but I hadn't checked it out until now.  It has all kinds of nifty tools and fun things to go with it.  The site even keeps track of my top foods for the month.  How fun!
My Top Five Foods

1. Boneless chicken breast, eaten 17 times, 2100 calories.
2. Air-popped popcorn, eaten 13 times, 1610 calories.
3. Broccoli, eaten 13 times, 397 calories.
4. Kind Coconut Bar, eaten 10 times, 2100 calories.
5. Fage Fat Free Greek Yogurt, eaten 10 times, 750 calories.

Wow!  Quite impressive.....and then there is number six.
    6.    Lindt Dark Chocolate Bar, eaten 9 times, 1539 calories.

Personally I think that the chocolate should be at number one, but I have been trying to cut back on the sugar and fat, so I have cut down my chocolate consumption in the last month.  My list was so full of good, healthy, REAL foods that I impressed myself:  Strawberries, lettuce, almonds, grapes, goat cheese, oatmeal, shrimp, brown rice, bananas, pecans.

The Thrill of the Hunt

I have been on a hunt for two things lately....well three, if you count the waffle iron.  I don't know why, but I am obsessed with buying a waffle maker, but keep holding back for fear the backs of my thighs will resemble waffles.  Maybe they already do; I try not to look.

The other two things I have been looking for are a sports bra and running shorts.  I had tried on at least 50+ bras, and nothing felt right.  I had settled on one a couple months ago, resigned to the fact that I would have to wear two bras to contain the bounce.   Without high expectations, I tried one on today, and it was like magic!  It went on easy, it felt good, the girls were contained, no bounce when I jumped, and it was $12.99!  Eureka!  I have found the perfect bra for me, a seemingly impossible feat!

I have been looking for a pair of Nike two-in-one shorts that have a boy short underneath.   They are offered online, but I really didn't want to pay $40 plus shipping for a pair of shorts that I hadn't even tried on.  So, I looked at Dicks, Dunhams, Kohls, JCP, Sears, Sports Authority, and finally a Nike outlet to no avail.  Hmmmm, all that time and gas certainly would have covered the $40+ AND I would have the shorts in hand.  Then finally, I came across a pair of New Balance shorts at Marshalls for only $16.99, regular $40.   I had all three boys with me, so I couldn't try them on.  No worries, I thought.  I have tried on enough running shorts in my quest to know that I am a comfortable medium.  I brought them home and I nearly totally filled out the elastic waistband with not much give left.  Bummer!  I was gonna need a large in these.  I look inside the tag to double check that they are a medium, not a small, and I notice that the tag has sizes for a handful of different countries.  Apparently, US and Brazil are the only countries that want to encourage chubby runners with generously sized mediums.  Every other country sized the shorts as a large, with the exception of one country, Japan sized them as an extra-large.   WHAT?  That is reason number two, right behind earthquakes, why I am glad I do not live in Japan.  If these little tiny shorts, smaller than all the other mediums I tried on, were considered extra-large, then Japan is not the place for me!  In the end, I returned those medium/extra-large shorts and exchanged them for a large/XXL, and wouldn't ya know it, the large is much too LARGE.  The compression short underneath has no compression and the waistband has to be tied tight to fit right.  Back to square one, but HEY at least I got the bra right!

Here are the shorts in a size medium.  I feel so badly for the women of Japan who aren't blessed with a teeny-tiny body and have to wear a size XL at a weight we consider healthy and normal here in America. How depressing that would be.

Evening of Indulgence a.k.a. "The Binge"

I had an evening of indulgence last week.  That makes it sound almost elegent, decadent, sexy, but really it was a messy binge.  I couldn't stop thinking of food all day, but especially in the evening.  I went with a sensible evening snack, an apple and a cheese wedge.  That didn't touch my hunger.  It was 8 p.m.  I had 100 calories left.  I mentally searched my pantry and fridge for 100 calorie options.  I had plenty of them.   The only problem was I didn't want any of them.   I told myself to forget it and said "Kitchen Closed."  It didn't work that day.  I was both physically and emotionally hungry.  I intended to eat chips, 2.5 estimated servings of the "reduced guilt" variety.  I was in no state of mind to count out 30 chips, so I half-filled a cereal bowl and called it 2.5 servings.  But the emotional hunger was greater than the physical hunger, and I didn't stop there.  I had a dark chocolate salted candy bar.  Not enough.  I had four GS Thin Mint cookies.  Not enough.  I wanted more.  At that point, I stopped because I realized this hunger could not be satisfied by food.  To my credit, I accounted for it all.  I entered the calories and came in 564 calories over budget.  The "reduced guilt" chips did nothing to lesson my guilt.  Logically, I knew that this minor set back was not even a set back at all.  I ended the week with a small surplus of calories in my budget, just 64, so right on plan.  I don't believe the body counts in exact 24-hour increments, and immediately thinks it is starving if I have a lower calorie day, so as long as I am on plan for the week overall, I am happy.  It was just this feeling of having no control, of trying to fill an emotional void with food that was a little unnerving.

Just when you start to think you know your body, it goes and changes things up.  I am not complaining this time though.  I lost 2 pounds this week, which was surprising because I lost 1.5 last week.  I haven't had two straight weeks of losses in at least two months, but then it wasn't all that surprising because I was having a "hungry week."  The hungry weeks are usually rewarded with a loss; The "easy weeks" are the weeks I stand still.  Those two pounds put me over the 20 pound lost mark!

10 Pound Progress

I am down 21.5 pounds since January.  These pictures show the progress that has been made in the last 7 weeks, -10 pounds.  About 10 more pounds until goal!  So, there will be another -10 pound pictures in the not so distant future!

                   

February 22, 1011                                                         April 11, 2011

                                            

The only really recent "before" photo that is of any use.  In all the rest of the photos, I am using my children as cover-ups!  I was caught playing the Michael Jackson Wiii game on Christmas morning.

Feeling It

When I finished the 5K race, I decided to keep my runs at 2 miles, three or four times a week, with intentions to run 3 miles about once a week when I was “feeling it.”   Well, I have stuck with 2 to 2.25 miles three to five times a week, but every single run was a struggle.   Yesterday, three weeks after the race, I ran 1.5 miles before ever peeking at the treadmill display, my butt didn’t ache, my calves weren’t yelling at me, and my breathing was pretty even.  Oh sure, I was sweating up a rainstorm and breathing is never easy, but I was finally feeling it.  When the treadmill hit two miles, I began my cool down, but then I realized “Hey!  I am feeling it today.  Why stop?”   I cranked it back up and ran 3.1 full miles.  It felt amazing.  I felt strong.  I need to find another 5K race to aim for to keep my motivation up.

I've been doing well, eating on plan, exercising, and I have lost 1.5 pounds in the last two weeks.  It is slow going lately, but I know that there are changes that might not necessarily show up on the scale.  Jeans that were too tight just one week ago, fit comfortably.  I have only lost 6 or 7 pounds since I bought my running pants, but the last couple runs I have to constantly pull them up because they are too loose.  I am about 4 pounds from my pre-divorce weight and 14 pounds from my pre-last baby weight.  I'm getting get there.