I have been alone for the last 22 hours. In those 22 hours, I have realized that I simultaneously both love and hate being alone. I enjoy the peace, the quiet, the stillness. But those very things allow the opportunity for thought, reflection. When I let myself think, the thoughts are rarely positive. The thoughts are overwhelming. I feel there is so much to do, so much dissatisfaction in so many areas. I am rarely alone, but I always feel lonely, so it isn't the loneliness that grabs me. Grabs me....I need something to grab me, to shake me, to fix me for I feel broken. Today, I feel broken. I don't know if I have ever felt that way. I can feel my heartbeat in my ears, hear my breath as if it was not my own. What is this? Brokenness, depression, exhaustion, a disconnect? All of the above? I don't want to move. I want to feel the aloneness, but I don't want to feel it.
I am constantly stressed, annoyed, tired, anxious, angry, guilty, perhaps worst of all just not in the moment, which magnifies every other emotion. I have fought it, but I am weary of the fight. Maybe I need to feel this for now.
Every day my sons save my life. Without them I don't know what my purpose would be. They are worth the struggle. I wish I could be more for their sakes and for mine. Be more. I am asking myself to be more. Please, just be more, get better, be better. I can do this.
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