So Much To Say

I have just begun this project, and I am already at a loss for what to say. Not that I don't have a lot to say, I do. I just don't know where to begin. In fact, many of my life dissatisfactions exist because I don't have a starting point. Two days ago while in the shower, in tears, I was thinking about the title of this blog, "The Evolution of Meem." I don't cry often, but when I do, it is often in the shower. Anyway, what struck me at that moment was the "Destruction of Meem." Not having a home of my own to raise my children has nearly-emphasis on nearly-destroyed me, us really. That is my biggest failing, my problem most urgently needing to be solved, but so many other things need to be in place first, and it is just so overwhelming.

My sister put an offer in on a house and it was accepted. I am so very proud of her. She deserves every single good thing that has come her way. She has earned it. The home sounds amazing. She didn't tell me when she put her house up for sale, or when her home was sold, and probably wouldn't have told me about this, but I answered the phone when she called for our mother. We have always been close and shared so much. I know she didn't say anything to me because she feels guilty, or like she would be bragging, or who knows, but I am truly happy for her and a little hurt she didn't let me share in this accomplishment with her. Am I envious? Sure. When she said "cul-de-sac" those words struck my heart a bit. Funny the odd thing that hits you. My home was on a cul-de-sac.

I don't need a cul-de-sac, a fancy home, or even cable TV for that matter. I just need a home to call ours. I live here in this house, but it just is not home.

So, what am I going to do about it?