Facebook has brought me and my old girlfriends from high school back together 17 years post-graduation. For the last two years, we have been meeting up several times a year and having a great time. Before I lost the weight, I would commit to a night out with them, and then find myself mentally waffling on whether or not I should actually go. I would tell myself I had nothing to wear, and this was true because nothing fit. In the end, I always went and was glad I didn't sit on the sidelines because I felt I was too fat and embarrassed. The truth is that there were occasions where I hid inside my too large body and missed out on life. Years ago, I turned down a good friend who asked me to be a bridesmaid because I felt I was too fat. The friend and I had been bridesmaids in a wedding a couple years prior. We were both thin at the time, and she made fun of the "fat bridesmaid" in the wedding party. So, I turned her down not wanting to be the "fat bridesmaid" she talked about in HER wedding. I missed my sister's graduation from college, the first college graduation in our entire extended family, because I felt too fat. I didn't attend my aunt's wedding because I was pregnant, had gained 60 lbs, and didn't want to be seen. And those were just the big moments that I recall. I am sure there were a million little moments I missed hiding under my fat.
My high school friends and I got together between Christmas and New Years. I was at my absolute fattest and feeling it. Even though I tried to look good, I am just not one of those women who can look drop dead gorgeous even when they are overweight. Oh, how I envy those women! But my skin suffers, the light in my eyes is dim, my hair was falling out and looking drab. THAT NIGHT I declared out loud to my friends that THIS meal would be my last indulgence for awhile. I never talk about my weight. I never make public declarations of my fatness. But this night, I said it aloud purposely because I knew if I did, I would have to make good on it.
I thought I had no before photos. I hid from the camera. But the margaritas were strong in Mexican Town that night and it lowered my inhibitions. Nearly eight months later, a friend e-mailed me the photos from this night. I've been struggling lately, some days at maintenance, some at a deficit, and some days over. The days have been balancing each other out, and so I have maintained, but this photo came at the perfect time to remind myself of what will happen if I keep allowing the bad habits to creep back in.
This is a photo from the night when I publicly declared enough is enough, this is the last time you will see me fat. And I meant it.
And here I am on the left, 35 lbs lighter and 100 times happier at our latest girls night out seven months later.
In my case, it is not a good sign when all is quiet on the homefront, at least diet-wise. My silence the last three weeks reflects my lack of motivation and my guilt from overeating. When I find myself grazing, eating an extra night time snack, ordering a pretzel with cheese and a Bosco stick at the self-imposed banned Little League concession stand while telling myself "tomorrow" I will do better, I feel so out of control. Mentally, I am right back where I was for the last two years, feeling as if I had gained 35 lbs overnight and having lost all self-confidence.
The big "no more crap" moment came after we spent the weekend camping with friends. To my credit, I did pass up plenty of foods there. I don't particularly enjoy burgers and detest hotdogs, nor do I like mayo based salads, so it was easy to not partake in too much dinner. The hobo pie pizza and campfire cherry pie were both a no thank you. I even passed on the smores. Actually, now that I think of it, camp food was not a problem at all, but I hadn't had an on plan day in nearly a week before camp. We picked up a bucket of KFC for lunch on the way home, then 7 o'clock rolled around and the kids were begging for dinner, so I ran to McD. Well I did not run. I drove because my butt has been too lazy to run more than once a week for the past three weeks. I found myself ordering a 6 piece nugget, a hamburger, and a small fry. I do not like McD (or KFC for that matter), not even a little bit. Even before I began my healthier lifestyle, I would rarely order something when I take the kids there. After that rather disgusting meal, I said no more and "tomorrrow" finally came on Monday morning. I ate well. I ran. I drank plenty of water. On Tuesday I forced myself to face the scale for the first time in over a week. I had been bouncing between 129 and 132 for the past month. I mentally prepared myself to see 135, took a deep breath, looked down, and saw 133. Whew. Okay. Not so bad. I could deal with that. And two days later I am back at 131, feeling comfortable in my own skin, and in control.
I will break this cycle of losing and gaining the same 35 pounds every two years since I was 16 years old and put myself on a Rice-A-Roni diet. The panic I feel is a good thing if I use it to grab the rope an reign myself back in. Tomorrow is today, every single day.
I thought the camera was supposed to add 10 pounds? The reflection in the mirror looking back at me seems much larger than the version of me that I see in photos. When I look at photos, I see myself as being thin enough, not too thin, still a little bit curvy, with a good shape. When I look in the mirror, I look slightly chubby and like I could stand to lose another 15 pounds. It is very strange that I could see myself so differently. Before I lost weight, I always felt I looked fatter in photos, now it is the opposite. I wonder which image is true.
When I took my shorts off last night, I was suprised to see the tag said size 8. They were so loose that I was sure that they were a size 10. I remember very clearly packing these exact shorts away a year or so ago. I picked them up, marveled at how seemingly tiny they were, thought I will never fit into these again, and put them in a box for Goodwill. The box never made it out of my basement, and most of the clothes that I thought I would never fit into again are now too baggy on me. When I took them off, I held them up, and they didn't seem tiny anymore. The mind plays such tricks.
It was a great holiday weekend. The best. My two oldest boys were chosen to play in the city's annual Fourth of July All Star Game. A huge honor for them, so much of the weekend was centered around baseball practices and the big game, but we squeezed some other fun in too.
I have been following this blog http://bendoeslife.tumblr.com/ for a couple months. It is a very inspiring story of a man who decided to start living life and lost 120 pounds in the process. This video makes me tear up every time when I see the words "I can call myself a marathoner, and even an ironman, but best of all, I can call myself happy."
He is doing a tour across the country, hosting informal, free, inspiring 5K walks/runs in 31 different cities. His brother and father by his side, sleeping on fellow bloggers couches along the way, catching a free lunch and/or a donated tank of gas when they can, all while training for another Ironman race that is scheduled four days after their tour ends. What an amazing experience for them. I needed to be a part of this. I started running to prove to myself that I could do something I always thought I couldn't do. When I heard they were coming to Detroit I had to be there. There was only one problem......my fear of driving in Detroit. I debated about whether or not I was going to go all the way until 9:00 a.m. on Sunday. The run was at 10:15 a.m. on Sunday. Finally, I told myself I was going to DO LIFE. I was not going to let a fear of driving in the city of Detroit hold me back. And so we went, and I didn't get lost, and I only drove the wrong way, directly into four lanes of oncoming traffic, while a cop watched, one time.
My two oldest boys ran most of the way together, finishing in just over 40 minutes. My little one and I, well he started off in first place, took off like he had wheels, and then he wore out about 1/10 of a mile in. For the rest of the way we held hands, skipped, had contests on who can jump farther (him), stopped and looked at the river, and just enjoyed the walk. I've always had a fear of coming in last in a race. This day taught me that first or last, it really doesn't matter, to just enjoy the moment, to finish. Besides, being second to last meant we got to walk and talk with Ben a little bit. He walks and talks with the people at the tail end of the race. After the race, everyone goes and grabs some lunch together, but we had some more life to do. As much as I wanted to stay, my boys wanted to go to a waterpark this weekend.
We had a good time. They have all been wanting to run a race with me, but they all agreed that running is not "their thing" and that this will be their last race, and that is okay. I am glad we got to share this experience together, but running is my therapy, my stress relief, something best done solo 95% of the time, but I am always glad to have company for the other 5%.
I have been concentrating a little more on making healthy eating a family affair. I've been making small changes for all, while trying to toe the line of not being the food police. My 13-year-old now weighs 2 lbs more than I do. He is also 2 or 3 inches shorter. He has a tummy and is self-conscious of this. He takes anything I say regarding food personally, so I try to be very careful when addressing food. I simply tell them ALL to think about what their body needs. Today, I "caught" my 6-year-old eating an apple. I said, "Good choice! Your body thanks you!" Next thing you know, my 10-year-old purposely walks by to show me he is now eating an apple too, looking for some positive reinforcement about his healthy choice.
It is hard for us adults to make healthy choices. We have the knowledge of how healthy foods fuel our bodies. We really can feel the difference energy-wise when we eat nutritious foods versus junk. We feel guilt when we overindulge. So for kids to make healthy choices when faced with an array of less than stellar treats, that has to be tough. So I decided, no more chips, no more icecream, no more junk. Fill the house with good foods and I will have to do less policing. I asked them to make lists of healthy foods they would like me to buy. I filled the snack cupboard with fun foods the kids love, granola bars, trail mix, Sunchips, peanut butter filled pretzels, and beef jerky. I stocked the fridge with blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, raspberries, watermelon, kiwi, grapes, yogurt, string cheese, and carrots. There is a bowl of apples and bananas on the counter. I bought frozen yogurt and peach pops instead of icecream. The fruit has mostly disappeared from the fridge.
Now....if only the little league baseball concession stand would offer healthy options. The football concession stand has fruit cups, and they seem to sell really well. We are at the field four to five nights a week. After the game, a parent springs for snack for the team. Last night my 13-year-old got TWO soft pretzels and a Bosco stick (cheese wrapped with dough and brushed with butter). Ahhhh well, I won't sweat it. This stuff is a part of childhood, and what I wouldn't give to go back to the mindset where food was simply fun and yummy and I didn't have a worry about my muffin top or flabby thighs. I will just continue to do my best to instill healthy eating habits at home.
My 6-year-old's grocery list. I love how he wrote gum, then crossed it out!
There has been a lot of social buzz going on the last couple weeks, and it is making weight loss increasingly difficult. You would think with bike rides, evening spent at the ball fields, weekends at the beach, and it being grilling season, it would be easier. But the social events get me every time. I just cannot resist temptation when in the company of good friends and family.....there was the weekend away, a father's day bbq, dinner and drinks with friends, a concert, fireworks in the park with the smell of elephant ears wafting. Food is so much a part of entertainment. I am training myself to not feel guilty for indulging within reason on these occasions, and most importantly not to let the indulgence carry over when the party is over and into the next day, and the next, and the next.......It is definately a struggle.
On the running front, I have been keeping up. I love evening runs, but it is just too hard to squeeze them in, so I have been dragging my behind out of bed in the mornings. When I finished the C25K program, I initially would run 2 miles twice a week and 3 miles once a week on a day that I was "feeling it." After awhile, I increased my minimum run to 2.25 miles, then 2.5 miles, with one longer run per week of 3 to 4 miles. Looking at my log, my last runs have been 3.09 miles, 3.15 miles, 4.29 miles, 2.5 miles, and 4.08 miles, and 2.5 miles. I decided this morning to make my minimum run 3 miles from here on out. FINALLY running about 5K on a regular basis, five months after I began running, not too bad I guess.
I'm working on these things I like to call my "flappers", my arms. I am up to 10 push-ups, and hoping to increase to 15 this month. I added a 10-lb hand weight and doing some tricep dips too. The flappers are starting to look less wing-like, but I have a ways to go!
