The Last Supper Photo

Facebook has brought me and my old girlfriends from high school back together 17 years post-graduation.  For the last two years, we have been meeting up several times a year and having a great time.  Before I lost the weight, I would commit to a night out with them, and then find myself mentally waffling on whether or not I should actually go.  I would tell myself I had nothing to wear, and this was true because nothing fit.  In the end, I always went and was glad I didn't sit on the sidelines because I felt I was too fat and embarrassed.  The truth is that there were occasions where I hid inside my too large body and missed out on life.  Years ago, I turned down a good friend who asked me to be a bridesmaid because I felt I was too fat.  The friend and I had been bridesmaids in a wedding a couple years prior.  We were both thin at the time, and she made fun of the "fat bridesmaid" in the wedding party.  So, I turned her down not wanting to be the "fat bridesmaid" she talked about in HER wedding.  I missed my sister's graduation from college, the first college graduation in our entire extended family, because I felt too fat.  I didn't attend my aunt's wedding because I was pregnant, had gained 60 lbs, and didn't want to be seen. And those were just the big moments that I recall.  I am sure there were a million little moments I missed hiding under my fat.

My high school friends and I got together between Christmas and New Years.  I was at my absolute fattest and feeling it.  Even though I tried to look good, I am just not one of those women who can look drop dead gorgeous even when they are overweight.  Oh, how I envy those women!  But my skin suffers, the light in my eyes is dim, my hair was falling out and looking drab.  THAT NIGHT I declared out loud to my friends that THIS meal would be my last indulgence for awhile.  I never talk about my weight.  I never make public declarations of my fatness.  But this night, I said it aloud purposely because I knew if I did, I would have to make good on it.

I thought I had no before photos.  I hid from the camera.  But the margaritas were strong in Mexican Town that night and it lowered my inhibitions.  Nearly eight months later, a friend e-mailed me the photos from this night.  I've been struggling lately, some days at maintenance, some at a deficit, and some days over.  The days have been balancing each other out, and so I have maintained, but this photo came at the perfect time to remind myself of what will happen if I keep allowing the bad habits to creep back in.

This is a photo from the night when I publicly declared enough is enough, this is the last time you will see me fat.  And I meant it.

And here I am on the left, 35 lbs lighter and 100 times happier at our latest girls night out seven months later.