Crabby Woman on a Diet

I had a good week on paper.  I showed a 3 pound loss on Monday for last week.  I wasn't hungry this week.  I ate under my weekly calorie budget by nearly 900 calories.  Some weeks I am ravenous even when I eat every single allotted calorie.  This week was not one of those weeks, which is good, but on the other hand my hungry weeks always seem to result in a good loss.  I set a goal of running 10 miles this week.  I ran those 10 miles, then added 1/4 mile just so I could tell myself I met and exceeded my goal.  I am really loving running, but I can't wait to get to the point where I can say "I ran an easy two miles today."  Because right now, two miles takes everything I have.  I bit the bullet and got my haircut, which I have a strange phobia of.  Not really a phobia, but I just hate haircuts, which dates back to the "Dorothy Hamill" cut I got back when I was 8 years old.  I had 6 to 8 inches cut off, and it looks super cute.  I put in three job applications for positions in my field on Thursday.  I had a dream that I ate pie, and brownies, and was just about to eat chocolates, but the guilt hit as I put them in my hand, so I stowed them in my pocket for later.  I woke up and felt like a failure for this major binge, then I realized it was just a dream and felt awesome because I indulged in tons of treats, it felt real, and it was calorie free!

So, why am I feeling so shitty this weekend?  I swear, I was so crabby that I couldn't stand to be around myself.  I cleaned for six hours on Saturday.  When I asked my kids to help, I heard nothing but complaints.  I finished up, drove to my boyfriend's, where the kids acted like they always do when they are there, which is awful.  This lead me to feel like I am sub-human in their eyes, like I deserve no love, no life, like my hours of toting them from friends houses, and sports, and boyscouts mean nothing.  I came home and the house was a wreck.  My six hours of cleaning had gone to hell in the three hours I was gone.  Now I felt like Cinderella.  A sub-human, Cinderella, are you sensing some martyrdom?  I am, but still I couldn't help myself.  Just a bad weekend.  I carry stress in my face.  Seriously, my face aches from the tight draw of my face.  I think I am giving myself premature wrinkles.  Are wrinkles still considered premature at the age of 34?  I don't know.