The One-Eyed, Two-Mouthed Hungry Monster Strikes

Just when I think I have this thing down the hungry monster rears it's ugly head.  It is almost unstoppable.  Almost, because I do have the ultimate power over what does or does not go into my mouth.  It is my choice.  I do not believe in food addiction.  I do not believe in the whole "powerless over my addiction" bunk.  I could overcome the urge to eat.  When I felt it coming on last night, I told myself that nothing I was going to eat was going to fill me.  I was either going to still feel hungry when I was done, or I was going to feel very full and loathsome.  And then I chose to eat anyway.  I ate one serving of cashews, one serving of wheat thins, a wedge of laughing cow cheese, two chocolates, one serving of popchips.  After I had polished off that, I saw on my calorie counter I was at maintenance level for the day.  I told myself that wasn't so bad, literally and figuratively wiped my hands clean of the foodfest, and said I was done.   But I wasn't.  I had a moment of stress, red pop exploded on white carpet.  I cleaned it up as best I could, then decided to have another serving of nuts and an entire roll of Girl Scout Thin Mints.  THIS was the exact moment I was saving these things for after all.  How self-destructive, hoarding cookies because you want to be prepared for an all out food fiesta.  The self-loathe kicked in when the roll was 3/4 gone, but that didn't stop me from finishing them.  Sigh.  This is the second time this has happened in the past 5.5 months, not bad.  Maybe I should accept that once in awhile, I am just going to feel an urge to eat until I feel stuffed.  At first I tried to find a reason, was I more stressed?  No.  I had upped my calories recently, so not feeling deprived.  Was it because I had hardly had any protein and way too many carbs?  Was it because I so looked forward to my bi-weekly Panera on plan indulgence, but I hated my sandwich and threw it away with one bite missing?  There were at least ten thoughts of why I felt so driven to overeat, but maybe it doesn't make any sense simply because IT DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. I feel so much better. I look so much better.  My healthy foods taste so much better.  There is simply no good reason to return to old eating habits.  Next time, I hope to say "F@#! this, I can do this!" instead of " F@#!  this, I give up!"  Back at it today. In the long run, that is what matters.

You know what I found most odd about this buffet for one?  (I hate the word binge, and so I have to get creative with wording.)  That I counted out 30 cashews, 20 popchips, 16 wheat thins.  Who does that?