Thursday:
Breakfast:  Yogurt and berries.
Lunch:  Chicken and fruit salad.
Snack:  Luna Chocolate dipped coconut bar.
Dinner:  Marie Callendar's Turkey Dinner.
Snack:  Two squares chocolate and air popped corn.
Ran 2 miles in the cold and snow, came home and puked cause I couldn't breathe.  I hope I can get used to cold weather running.

Friday:
Breakfast:  Oatmeal and fruit.
Lunch:  Panera Broccolli soup with french bread.
Dinner:  Panera chicken ceasar sandwich half, reduced guilt chips, orange.
And here is where it gets bad.  I was feeling strong.  I split my lunch between lunch and dinner, resisted other mall and Panera temptations, including a huge cinnamon roll I got my niece, at my dinner, then took the kids to Culvers fully expecting to eat nothing, but my son offered me an onion ring three times and finally I took one, that opened the flood gates:
Mind Trail:
I ate an onion ring, I might as well:
Eat my son's entire bag of fries he left behind.  I ate a bag of fries, I might as well:
Order a caramel cashew sundae.  I ate a sundae, I might as well:
Add extra butter to my nightly popcorn.  I had extra butter, oh hell throw caution to the wind, get in the car and buy a bag of munchos and a six pack of Mike's hard lemonade...

SNACKS:  1 onion ring, 1 small order of fries, one scoop caramel cashew sundae, popcorn with 2 T butter, 2 to 3 servings Munchos, 2 Mike's.

Ugggh, day 11 a success, day 12  epic fail, but that is okay.  One off day in 17 will be a huge improvement, ONE. 

Day 10 Dessert for Breakfast

252 page views in one day?  I usually get a couple.  So, how does that happen?  Who the heck is reading this dribble?  Strange.

My secret to fitting in dessert?  Eating it as a meal for breakfast.  Works like a charm.  When I think of my perfect breakfast I think of Meemaw's chocolate pie.  Mmmmm.  Technically, I guess a muffin is breakfast food, but when it includes chocolate chips and brown sugar crunch topping, I put it in the dessert category.  I can't decide if I am happy or sad those muffins are gone, but one thing is for sure, I will be making them again. They are too good not to share, but I already have four kids I have to share with, so make your own!

BREAKFAST:  Banana muffin, strawberries.
LUNCH:  2 chicken and fruit salad roll ups, sweet potato fries.
DINNER:  2 chicken soft tacos.
SNACK:  You guessed it, air popped corn with 1 T of real butter.

BANANA CRUMB MUFFINS (ADAPTED FROM RECIPE ON ALLRECIPE)

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 tsp cinnamon

3 bananas, mashed

1/2 cup white sugar

1/4 cup brown sugar

1 egg, lightly beaten

1/3 cup butter, melted

1 tsp vanilla

1/2 cup chocolate chips

TOPPING INGREDIENTS

1/3 cup packed brown sugar

2 tablespoons all-purpose flour

1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 tablespoon butter

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Lightly grease 12 muffin cups, or line with muffin papers.
2. In a large bowl, mix together 1 1/2 cups flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt. In another bowl, beat together bananas, sugar, egg and melted butter, vanilla and chocolate chips. Stir the banana mixture into the flour mixture just until moistened. Spoon batter into prepared muffin cups.
3. In a small bowl, mix together brown sugar, 2 tablespoons flour and cinnamon. Cut in 1 tablespoon butter until mixture resembles coarse cornmeal. Sprinkle topping over muffins.
4. Bake in preheated oven for 18 to 20 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into center of a muffin comes out clean.

P.S.  I never, ever bother with using seperate bowls for wet and dry ingredients.  First I mix all the wet, then add the dry ingredients minus the flour and incorporate them well, then add the flour at the end to avoid overmixing.

Day 9 Oranges are Candy From Trees

Oranges are so delicious this time of year!  I bought four a week and a half ago.  I try to eat my fruits according to what needs to be eaten first, berries only last a couple days, pineapple, grapes, and bananas slightly longer, and finally oranges and apples.  So all four oranges have sat in the produce drawer for over a week untouched.  I sliced myself one for a snack yesterday and suddenly I had three boys and one girl buzzing about needing one of their own, three oranges, four kids....luckily they were large.  The same oranges that have sat in the drawer for the past 10 days without a second glance were now a precious commodity.Eating healthy foods around our children 100% affects our kid's food choices.
BREAKFAST:  Banana muffin, strawberries.
LUNCH:  2 chicken and fruit salad roll ups.
SNACK:  Orange, string cheese.
DINNER:  Leftover hash.....1-1/2 cups shredded potato, 3 oz chicken, 2 oz ham, 1/3 cup corn, onion, 1 T olive oil, 2 T shredded cheese.  A big plate of yummy!
SNACK:  Popcorn with 1 T butter.

Saying Yes, When It's Worth It

Some treats are worth it.  And you know what, if I eat a single sized portion, there aren't too many foods that I have to say no to.  I made "the kids" homemade banana muffins with the over-ripened bananas on my counter.  They smelled heavenly, and when my niece saw them come out of the oven she yelled "HAPPY!!!"   That is what she calls cupcakes and chocolate.  When I made them, I truly believed they were for "the kids."  But once they were baked I asked myself...

Now how does one resist the temptation of warm, homemade banana muffins with brown sugar crunch topping?

And the answer was immediately clear.......one doesn't!

At about 235 calories and 7 grams of fat, I don't have to feel guilt, because I ate just one, and it was delicious and tasted exactly like "HAPPY" would if it had a taste.

BREAKFAST:  Chobani honey yogurt, pineapple, raspberries, and strawberries.

LUNCH:  3 oz lightly breaded chicken cutlet, sweet potato fries, raw carrots.

SNACK:  Banana muffin.

DINNER:  3 to 4 oz ham, brussel sprouts, 1 cup brown rice.

SNACK:  Air popped corn with 1 T butter.

8 days down, 9 to go!

Weekend Temptations

The weekend was full of temptations, but I am very proud to say I made it through unscathed!  First, my fiance called on Friday night asking if I wanted him to pick me up anything on the way home.  I had already eaten and said no thanks.  He came home with a BBQ chicken pizza-size large and triple cheese breadsticks, then tried to persuade me to eat it.  I resisted, barely.  Saturday he called me on his way home again and asked me what I would like from his favorite Chinese place, the place he claims is better than anywhere else, the place he ended up waiting at for nearly an hour for take-out.  Good thing I had already eaten by the time he had called both nights, so he wasn't asking me on an empty stomach.  THEN I had Sunday morning to deal with.  He usually makes us breakfast, but I was hungry and he was still sleeping, so I ate my breakfast.  Normally, I would partake in Sunday breakfast, just in smaller amounts, but I had already eaten my yogurt and was secretely annoyed by the barage of temptations, so I skipped it even with some more attempted persuasion by my fiance.  Finally, I said look, do you see me trying to get you to eat fruits, vegetables, and chicken breast?  He stopped waving the bacon in my face.
BLUNCH:  Chobani lemon yogurt, raspberries, strawberries, pineapple.
EARLY DINNER:  1/2 roasted chicken breast with skin, 1 chicken leg, 1 cup brown rice, salad (romaine, 2 T yogurt based Ceasar dressing, parmesan cheese, cucumber, and tomato.)
SNACKS:  Air-popped corn with 1 T butter, grapes, 1/2 cup lemon gingersnap ice cream.

The final temptation of the weekend was my doing.  I bought a pumpkin pie and whipped cream and brought it to my parent's house for dessert with my boys.  I ended up passing on the pie, even though it is a reasonable snack, but it is not my favorite, and I would much rather have the ice cream.

I made it through!  I have never been so relieved to see a Monday!  One week down, 10 more days until Turkey Day Challenge is successfully completed!

Even the Hard Runs Feel Good

I have a bunch of excuses for not running the past two weeks, one is legit.  I had a bad cold and I couldn't breathe for much of those two weeks.  Plus my other excuses that could be overcome with some willpower...I am working 12 hours days; I'm exhausted and have no time.  I was running around the field at football practice, now if I want to run, I have to leave my boys home supervised by my 13-year-old son.  And finally, the time change makes it dark too early.

But yesterday was Saturday, I had no work, my kids were at their dad's, and my congestion is tolerable-tolerable, not gone.  So, I laced em up and headed out.  It was tough.  My nose started running right away, I was spitting (ewwww) cause my throat was clogged, and I nearly threw up at mile 1.5, that is when I decided to run home, exactly 2 miles, 2 hard fought miles.  I ran straight to my deck and sat down for a moment, which immediately turned into laying down for a minute, which somehow turned into laying on the wooden planks for 45 minutes basking in the sun thinking how good even a bad run is, meditation.

Lying on the deck, post-run.  I am shocked by how flat my stomach appears.  It is an optical illusion.  If only I could live my life lying down my pooch would flatten.  LOL

BLUNCH:  Chobani lemon yogurt with fruit.

DINNER:  Leftover chicken parmesan, carrots, cucumbers.

SNACKS:   Air-popped corn, 2 squares dark chocolate with sea salt.

I'm On a Roll (And Not a Cinnamon Roll This Time)

BREAKFAST:  Egg, bacon, and cheese muffin, which sounds worse than it is at about 250 calories.  Every so often, I get in the mood for an egg, and then I have one and realize once again that I really do not like eggs.  Also had some blackberries, raspberries, grapes, and strawberries.

LUNCH:  Ceasar salad.  It looks delicious right?  It was, but something was missing.....can you find what's missing?  Croutons.  I need some crunch in my Ceasar salad, but that crunch would come at the cost of 35 calories for THREE croutons, and who eats three croutons?  No one.  So I ate no croutons, 0 calories.

DINNER:  3 oz breaded chicken cutlet (leftover from chicken parmesan night), sweet potato fries, raw carrots and cucumbers.

SNACK:  Air popped corn with 1 T butter, ONE Dib.



Chicken Parmesan and Day 4

Four days of healthier eating, my longest stretch in awhile.  Even though I was the only one home for dinner last night, I decided to make the chicken parmesan.   I already made the sauce and the chicken was already thawed, so I figured I might as well.  Mmmmmmm, it was well worth the effort.  One of my favorite dishes.  I kept some aside for my love to eat when he got home later and dropped the rest off at my parent's house.
BREAKFAST:  Chobani pineapple yogurt with fresh blackberries, raspberries, strawberries and pineapple.
LUNCH:  Sweet potato fries and two chicken and fruit salad roll-ups.
DINNER:  Chicken parmesan (1.5 cups spaghetti, 3/4 cup sauce, 3 oz chicken breast, 1/2 slice swiss cheese.)
SNACK:  Air-popped corn with 1 T butter.



Homemade Pasta Sauce (adapted from Cooking Light Recipe with my personal changes to suit my tastes.)

• 1 teaspoon olive oil
• 1 cup chopped onion
• 4 garlic cloves, minced
• 2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
• 2 tablespoon sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon dried basil
• 1 small can tomato paste
• 1 teaspoon dried Italian seasoning
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 28 oz can crushed tomatoes
  
  
• 2 tsp dried parsley

Heat oil in a saucepan or large skillet over medium-high heat. Add onion and garlic; sauté 5 minutes. Stir in balsamic and next 6 ingredients (balsamic through tomatoes), and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium, and cook, uncovered, about 15 minutes, (but I always end up cooking it for an hour or two. Stir in parsley.

Chicken Parmesan Cooking Light September 1998

• 4 (4-ounce) skinned, boned chicken breast halves
• 1/2 cup seasoned breadcrumbs
• 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 1/2 teaspoon dried Italian seasoning
• 1/8 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 large egg whites, lightly beaten2 teaspoons olive oil
• 4 cups hot cooked spaghetti (about 8 ounces uncooked pasta)
• 3 cups tomato sauce
• 1 cup (4 ounces) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese

Preparation

Place each chicken breast half between 2 sheets of heavy-duty plastic wrap; flatten to 1/4-inch thickness using a meat mallet or rolling pin.
Combine breadcrumbs, Parmesan cheese, Italian seasoning, and pepper in a shallow dish. Dredge 1 chicken breast half in flour. Dip in egg whites; dredge in breadcrumb mixture. Repeat procedure with remaining chicken, flour, egg whites, and breadcrumb mixture.
Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add chicken; cook 5 minutes on each side or until done.
Place 1 cup spaghetti in each of 4 gratin dishes. Spoon 1/2 cup Ultimate Quick-and-Easy Pasta Sauce over each serving. Top each with 1 chicken breast half. Spoon 1/4 cup sauce over each serving. Sprinkle each serving with 1/4 cup mozzarella cheese.
Preheat broiler. Place gratin dishes on a baking sheet; broil 3 minutes or until cheese melts. Garnish with basil sprigs, if desired.

Sweet Potato Fries

French fries are one of my favorite foods.  A food I refuse to give up, which completely eliminates all varieties of low carb diets.  Thankfully, I don't have to give them up.  Many years ago, during her skinny years, Oprah had her chef on her show, and they made oven baked french fries.  The secret ingredient in making great oven fries is egg whites!  It makes them crispy and delicious.  Recently, I tried making sweet potato fries in the same manner and they are equally as fabulous, and I am not a sweet potato fan because of the stringy texture, not a problem with fries.

1/2 a peeled sweet potato cut into strips
1 egg white
Seasoned salt, pepper, and cayenne.  (I have also tried cinnamon, but I prefer the savory sweet combo.)

Simply beat the egg white, add the spices, coat the potatoes with the mixture, place in a single layer on a pan sprayed with Pam, put into a preheated 475 degree oven for 20 to 30 minutes.

Sweet potato fries with a fruit and chicken salad rollup.  YUM!

Challenge Proves to be...Challenging.

I was hungry yesterday, but I made it through the day meeting my goal of eating healthier and eating less.  I planned on making an old favorite recipe of mine, Cooking Light Chicken Parmesan, homemade sauce and all.  I had the sauce simmering on the stove when my fiance called and asked if it was okay if he subbed for his work's bowling team.  "Sure, whatever you want to do."  Was what came out of my mouth, while my mind said, but I haven't seen you since Sunday, except for when you get into bed at night and out of bed in the morning.  I have been nannying for my two baby nieces for 10 hours a day, taking care of my own three boys, playing taxi, taking care of the house, laundry, cooking, etc., and then working my second job for a couple hours in the evening after the kids go to bed.  Forgive me for being a tad bit overwhelmed.  Then I think no wonder I eat junk and way too much of it, but then that is just another excuse, so the pasta sauce became pizza sauce and we had a much simpler meal of mini pizzas, still on plan.
BREAKFAST:  Chobani strawberry yogurt with fresh pineapple, strawberries, blackberries and raspberries.
LUNCH:  Chicken and fruit salad wraps (Two LaTortilla factory high fiber tortillas, 4 oz rotisserie chicken, 7 grapes, 1/4 cup pineapple, romaine lettuce, and 1 T Ken's poppyseed dressing.)  YUM.
SNACK:  Grapes, strawberries, Trader Joes Chocolate Chip Brownie Oat Bar.
DINNER:  2 homemade mini cheese pizzas.
SNACK:  Air popped corn with 1 T butter.

Turkey Day Challenge

This Monday I began a personal short challenge.  It is simple, eating better and eating less until Thanksgiving, 17 days.  Okay, so nothing is simple when it comes to my weight and eating habits.   Intellectually, it is straightforward.  The difference healthy eating makes in my energy levels, mood, and overall wellness should make it worth it alone, vanity aside.  So why is it so damn hard?  Eating better will mean eating plenty of fruits and vegetables-the refigerator was completely bare of these items with the exception of some apples and five mushy raspberries.  I am going to think about what I want versus what my body needs and how delicious the foods my body needs actually taste.  Seriously, Pringles taste like powered cheese covered paper, oranges taste like natures candy, so why do I choose the Pringles?  Equally important, I am going to eat single servings of foods.  AND I am going to record my choices here.  I didn't get to grocery shopping until Tuesday night,but the fridge is packed with healthy foods now.  This isn't going to be perfect, but it is going to be better,- It is going to be honest with myself, the good, the not so good, and the downright ugly.  17 days, -2, 15 more to go.

MONDAY:
BREAKFAST:  1/4 cup steel cut oats, 1/2 T natural pb, cinnamon, vanilla, splenda.
LUNCH:  Trader Joes Reduced Guilt Mac and Cheese.
DINNER:  Cajun spiced chicken breast, brown rice, broccoli and cauliflower, olive oil.

TUESDAY:
BREAKFAST:  1/4 cup steel cut oats, 1/2 T natural pb, cinnamon, vanilla, splenda.
LUNCH:  Yesterday's dinner leftovers.
SNACK:  6 Triscuits, 1 oz goat cheese.
DINNER:  Rotisserie chicken breast with skin, Romaine salad with strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, pineapple, and 2 T Ken's light poppyseed dressing.
SNACK:  1/4 cup air-popped corn with 1 T of butter. 

Say What???

I have eaten better in the last 10 days.  Not perfect, but better, no binging.  Some days weren't good, but no days were horrible.  The last two days, I drank a lot of water, ran, ate a lot of fruits and veggies and overall good clean foods, so I felt brave enough to weight myself today.  I stepped on the scale this morning 142!?!  Up five pounds in 10 days eating better than I have in a month???  WHAT?  HOW?  138 is my absolute top limit, so something must be done, NOW.  I started birth control about 25 days ago.  Maybe that is contributing to my increased hunger.  But am I really hungry or just eating?  Just eating.  The last four days my tatas have been very sore.  My boobs always get bigger on hormonal birth control, but 5 pounds bigger????

So what to do?  For one more week, I am going to stick with eating good foods that will nourish my body.  This eliminates Doritos, Skittles, and most snack foods.  Then I will reevaluate and see if I need to start calorie counting again.  I really do not want to, but why not?  It isn't hard.  It isn't time consuming.  It is just....restrictive.  But look where loosening up the reigns has gotten me since I stopped counting every calorie that crossed my lips the first week of July.....4 months, and 13 pounds heavier than my lightest.

I am also considering signing up for a 10K on Thanksgiving day.

Okay, less thinking, less planning, more action.

Ongoing Process

Uggghhhh, I have gained about six pounds over the last two months.  I feel so blech, so fat, so dissatisfied that when I look in the mirror I am expecting to see the 170ish pound Meem looking back at me.  What I see is the 137 lb me, and it's not so bad, but I feel like crap, no energy, headaches, fatigued.  I start the day out saying I will do better today, and then the 3:00 p.m. munchies hit, then the dread of what I just ate, and then the I will do better tomorrows start, a daily cycle.  My jeans feel a little snug. 

Why is this so hard?  I could blame having kids and their junk food in the house.  I could blame it on moving in with my fiance and having to cook and shop for his tastes too, which don't lean towards the healthy side-at all.  But really, it is all on ME, my body, my choices.

I had an afternoon to myself yesterday.  I planned to go for a run and then come home and make brownies.  I ran 3.5 miles, really hard miles.  I've only been running once or twice a week and my aerobic endurance was feeling the slip yesterday.   I decided those miles were WAY too much work to blow on one little brownie and came home and had an apple instead.  I chose Subway for dinner last night.   Fast food, but a healthier fast food choice.  My fiance asked if I wanted him to bring wings home.  I said no, I just ate dinner.  He said not now, when I come home later tonight.  I said no I need to start eating less crap.   Then I decided to make "the kids" those brownies afterall.   The difficulty of the afternoon long forgotten, I ate one....with a scoop of icecream.  My fiance came home about 9:00 p.m........with a bag of 50 to 60 wings.  I said I'd have one; I ate four.

It's simple.  I just to need to say NO to crap food.  It makes me feel like crap.  It makes my jeans hurt.  Just say no.....yet that bucket of leftover wings in the fridge is calling my name loudly.  It is just FOOD.  Good healthy food tastes good, it makes me feel good, so why do I keep choosing to eat too much unhealthy food?

I will eat LESS junk.
I will eat MORE healthy food.
I will drink MORE water.
I will run MORE often.

I Need a Run!

My last run was on Thursday, four days ago.  I knew I wouldn't get a run in Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, and I was fine with that.  I definitely got a workout in with moving boxes, up and down stairs for three days.  My thighs and knees were feeling it!  But it just isn't the same.  I do believe I have become addicted to running, not as addicted as I am to coffee, but addicted just the same.  The weather was perfect for running yesterday, and my legs were just twitching to go, but there just wasn't time.  Body and soul, I need I run today and must find a way! 

Tell The World I'm Coming Home!

It is moving day!!!!!  For the first time ever we will be HOME together tonight.  His arms have felt like my home for the past 3 years, and now I will be there every single night.  I was thinking last night of the day we came to live with my parents five years ago.  It was an emergent situation, and we just left with nothing, unprepared.  I sobbed that night and many others in my childhood bedroom feeling like I had failed my kids and myself.  I missed my home desperately.  It was a very nice house, but it wasn't about the house, the walls, or the things it contained, it was the HOME feeling.  And now....my eyes well up every time I think about my parents' generosity, their sacrifice, what they gave up to give us a place to stay.  They watched my kids every Friday and Saturday night for three years while I worked, and plenty of weeknights while I was at school too.  My dad coached my son's baseball teams, was a pillar of strength and the best example of a man that I will ever know.  I can't even begin to touch on all they have done.  What they gave to my kids is priceless.  I don't know how to begin to thank them.

So as I go home today, I am crying tears of gratitude and tears of joy, but none of sadness.

It’s what made me, saved me, drove me crazy
Drove me away than embraced me
Forgave me for all of my shortcomings
Welcome to my homecoming
Yeah it’s been a long time coming
Lot of fights, lot of scars, lot of bottles
Lot of cars, lot of ups, lot of downs

Opening Doors

We got the key to our new home on Friday!  I had been so amped up, anxious, not sleeping, wondering if we had made the right decision when choosing this house, worrying about everyone getting along, the kids adjusting, and little things like where will the couch fit.  I was mentally and physically exhausted, totally wiped out.  But then we got the key, and suddenly it was final, the decision had been made, and it was happening.  I spent the weekend cleaning the house and somehow scrubbing it with own two hands made it feel like home.  I am feeling much more relaxed, less edgy, and excited.  This weekend is moving weekend!  Finally, a home of our own!  Another step in the right direction.

Unfortunately, all this stress means I haven't been on par with eating healthy, and that is an understatement.  Equally as detrimental as the stress has been my lack of grocery shopping.  My boys spent two weeks at their dad's.  I never cook when they are gone and just ate whatever I came upon.  Then they came home, but I wasn't sure if we were moving in five days or two weeks, so I didn't want to stock the house with groceries and we ate what we had left here.  That means I haven't seriously shopped in nearly a month, which leads to a lack of healthy, fresh foods.  Not to mention it is football season, and we don't get home until nearly 8 o'clock.  We come home starving and needing quick foods. My eating has been a disaster and the numbers on the scale reflected that this morning.

The moving will be complete this weekend.  I will be stocking the cupboards and fridge, and I will be planning ahead for dinners, so we aren't coming home ravenous to an empty, cold oven.

Football practice has been in full swing for nearly two weeks now, and I have been doing well getting my running miles in.  It has been a struggle though.  I was chalking it up to running during the hottest part of the day, but it occurred to me yesterday that it is probably also due to a lack of proper nutrition, so there is a little more motivation for me to eat well.

A Major Evolution Is Underway

After much searching, my fiance and I signed a lease on a house last week!  This means that my three boys and I will be moving out of my parents house and into our own home.  Big, big news!  I am excited and yet terrified.  All the what ifs, the unknowns, the scariness of blending two families into one small space.  Between the two of us, we have four boys.  I have so many worries and fears that I am allowing it to overshadow my joy.  I have had so many sleepless nights wondering about big things and little silly things too.  I need to get over it.  I need to relax, bend a little, go with it, and just trust that it will all work out.  My fiance has been amazingly patient with me and my neuroses.  I can hardly stand myself, but somehow he keeps on loving me and tries his best to make me happy.



I went shopping tonight.  I have not stepped foot in the home goods area of a store in years.  In fact, I stopped shopping as a social activity with my mom, sister, and friends completely.  They would inevitably wander into the home area of the store, and it was just too difficult for me to face.  But tonight, I bought things for MY new home.  My favorite thing that I bought was a cute pink and green apron with layers of ruffles, very vintage looking, and I bought matching potholders too!  Very feminine.  Since I am the only girl, in a family of six, that was the only pink frilly thing I allowed myself.  I was ogling the Calvin Klein comforters at Macy's.  They are all very casual, but felt so soft and well....comforting in their casual style and quality.  They were very pricey though, so I searched every store online and in person for something I loved equally.  Then it happened....I was passing a Burlington Coat Factory, I had already been shopping four hours in three inch heals, but decided what the heck, I'll check there, and they had a CK comforter with shams for just $69!!!  The price in store was about $200 on sale, regular $350, so I was thrilled to pieces!  I got a bunch of other stuff too, but I won't bore you with the details.  We'll just say, I am ridiculously happy to have picked out my very own shower curtain and kitchen towels.

I want this.  I want this more than I am afraid of it.  But I am not going to lie, I am scared as hell.  I would guess that is normal, maybe it is healthier than going into it thinking a step-family is gonna be all sugar and roses.  I don't know, but I do want this, more than anything, I want THIS.  I would also like to be able sleep soundly tonight, please and thank you Mr. Sandman.

100 Miles

Today, about three months after downloading the Nike+ app for my iPod, I ran 4.25 miles and ended on a total of exactly 100.0 total miles.  The heat the last three weeks has been really cutting into my run time, so it took me a little longer than anticipated, but I've finally gotten there.

To celebrate I gave myself an early gift.  A totally cool headband I found on Etsy made by http://deshlerdesigns.com/.   Since I got my hair cut too short to put in a pony, I have been on a hunt for something to keep my hair out of my face without much luck.  Headbands just slipped right off my head while running.  Then I found this one.  It doesn't move at all, absolutely, positively stays put!  It is a miracle.  Did I mention it is super cute?  Cause it is.  I had a hard time picking just one.  Now that I know it works, I'll be picking up some more.

More about today's run.....it was hot, it was sweaty, miles 2 through 3 were made miserable by a stitch in my side, but I felt strong at mile 3.5 and decided to keep on running past my house and around a few more blocks for a total of 4.24 miles, my longest run in a month.  I started by running to the high school track, something I rarely do.

PROS of running at the HS track: 

1. Surface feels soft and cushiony under my feet.  I kept thinking it felt like I was running on clouds, which is a bit of an exaggeration, but I was bored and needed imagery. 
2. Lapping a lady jogger twice, ego booster!  And no, she was not 90.

CONS of running at the HS track:

1. Endless, boring, mindless, scenery-free circles--over and over again.
2. Getting lapped three times by a dude wearing yellow, ego buster.  And no, he was not 19.

After two miles, I couldn't take it any longer and I hit the road running....in my super cute headband and landed on 100.0 total Nike+ miles.

The Last Supper Photo

Facebook has brought me and my old girlfriends from high school back together 17 years post-graduation.  For the last two years, we have been meeting up several times a year and having a great time.  Before I lost the weight, I would commit to a night out with them, and then find myself mentally waffling on whether or not I should actually go.  I would tell myself I had nothing to wear, and this was true because nothing fit.  In the end, I always went and was glad I didn't sit on the sidelines because I felt I was too fat and embarrassed.  The truth is that there were occasions where I hid inside my too large body and missed out on life.  Years ago, I turned down a good friend who asked me to be a bridesmaid because I felt I was too fat.  The friend and I had been bridesmaids in a wedding a couple years prior.  We were both thin at the time, and she made fun of the "fat bridesmaid" in the wedding party.  So, I turned her down not wanting to be the "fat bridesmaid" she talked about in HER wedding.  I missed my sister's graduation from college, the first college graduation in our entire extended family, because I felt too fat.  I didn't attend my aunt's wedding because I was pregnant, had gained 60 lbs, and didn't want to be seen. And those were just the big moments that I recall.  I am sure there were a million little moments I missed hiding under my fat.

My high school friends and I got together between Christmas and New Years.  I was at my absolute fattest and feeling it.  Even though I tried to look good, I am just not one of those women who can look drop dead gorgeous even when they are overweight.  Oh, how I envy those women!  But my skin suffers, the light in my eyes is dim, my hair was falling out and looking drab.  THAT NIGHT I declared out loud to my friends that THIS meal would be my last indulgence for awhile.  I never talk about my weight.  I never make public declarations of my fatness.  But this night, I said it aloud purposely because I knew if I did, I would have to make good on it.

I thought I had no before photos.  I hid from the camera.  But the margaritas were strong in Mexican Town that night and it lowered my inhibitions.  Nearly eight months later, a friend e-mailed me the photos from this night.  I've been struggling lately, some days at maintenance, some at a deficit, and some days over.  The days have been balancing each other out, and so I have maintained, but this photo came at the perfect time to remind myself of what will happen if I keep allowing the bad habits to creep back in.

This is a photo from the night when I publicly declared enough is enough, this is the last time you will see me fat.  And I meant it.

And here I am on the left, 35 lbs lighter and 100 times happier at our latest girls night out seven months later.

Tomorrow Has Finally Come

In my case, it is not a good sign when all is quiet on the homefront, at least diet-wise.  My silence the last three weeks reflects my lack of motivation and my guilt from overeating.  When I find myself grazing, eating an extra night time snack, ordering a pretzel with cheese and a Bosco stick at the self-imposed banned Little League concession stand while telling myself "tomorrow" I will do better, I feel so out of control.  Mentally, I am right back where I was for the last two years, feeling as if I had gained 35 lbs overnight and having lost all self-confidence.

The big "no more crap" moment came after we spent the weekend camping with friends.  To my credit, I did pass up plenty of foods there.  I don't particularly enjoy burgers and detest hotdogs, nor do I like mayo based salads, so it was easy to not partake in too much dinner.  The hobo pie pizza and campfire cherry pie were both a no thank you.  I even passed on the smores.  Actually, now that I think of it, camp food was not a problem at all, but I hadn't had an on plan day in nearly a week before camp.  We picked up a bucket of KFC for lunch on the way home, then 7 o'clock rolled around and the kids were begging for dinner, so I ran to McD.  Well I did not run.  I drove because my butt has been too lazy to run more than once a week for the past three weeks.  I found myself ordering a 6 piece nugget, a hamburger, and a small fry.  I do not like McD (or KFC for that matter), not even a little bit.  Even before I began my healthier lifestyle, I would rarely order something when I take the kids there.  After that rather disgusting meal, I said no more and "tomorrrow" finally came on Monday morning.  I ate well.  I ran.  I drank plenty of water.  On Tuesday I forced myself to face the scale for the first time in over a week.  I had been bouncing between 129 and 132 for the past month.  I mentally prepared myself to see 135, took a deep breath, looked down, and saw 133.  Whew.  Okay.  Not so bad.  I could deal with that.  And two days later I am back at 131, feeling comfortable in my own skin, and in control.

I will break this cycle of losing and gaining the same 35 pounds every two years since I was 16 years old and put myself on a Rice-A-Roni diet.  The panic I feel is a good thing if I use it to grab the rope an reign myself back in.  Tomorrow is today, every single day. 

Alright Who is Lying To Me, The Mirror or The Photos?

I thought the camera was supposed to add 10 pounds?   The reflection in the mirror looking back at me seems much larger than the version of me that I see in photos.  When I look at photos, I see myself as being thin enough, not too thin, still a little bit curvy, with a good shape.  When I look in the mirror, I look slightly chubby and like I could stand to lose another 15 pounds.  It is very strange that I could see myself so differently.  Before I lost weight, I always felt I looked fatter in photos, now it is the opposite.  I wonder which image is true.

When I took my shorts off last night, I was suprised to see the tag said size 8. They were so loose that I was sure that they were a size 10.  I remember very clearly packing these exact shorts away a year or so ago.  I picked them up, marveled at how seemingly tiny they were, thought I will never fit into these again, and put them in a box for Goodwill.  The box never made it out of my basement, and most of the clothes that I thought I would never fit into again are now too baggy on me.  When I took them off, I held them up, and they didn't seem tiny anymore.  The mind plays such tricks.

Doing Life

It was a great holiday weekend.  The best.  My two oldest boys were chosen to play in the city's annual Fourth of July All Star Game.  A huge honor for them, so much of the weekend was centered around baseball practices and the big game, but we squeezed some other fun in too.

I have been following this blog http://bendoeslife.tumblr.com/ for a couple months.  It is a very inspiring story of a man who decided to start living life and lost 120 pounds in the process.  This video makes me tear up every time when I see the words "I can call myself a marathoner, and even an ironman, but best of all, I can call myself happy."

He is doing a tour across the country, hosting informal, free, inspiring 5K walks/runs in 31 different cities.  His brother and father by his side, sleeping on fellow bloggers couches along the way, catching a free lunch and/or a donated tank of gas when they can, all while training for another Ironman race that is scheduled four days after their tour ends.  What an amazing experience for them.  I needed to be a part of this.  I started running to prove to myself that I could do something I always thought I couldn't do.  When I heard they were coming to Detroit I had to be there.  There was only one problem......my fear of driving in Detroit.  I debated about whether or not I was going to go all the way until 9:00 a.m. on Sunday.  The run was at 10:15 a.m. on Sunday.  Finally, I told myself I was going to DO LIFE.  I was not going to let a fear of driving in the city of Detroit hold me back.  And so we went, and I didn't get lost, and I only drove the wrong way, directly into four lanes of oncoming traffic, while a cop watched, one time.

My two oldest boys ran most of the way together, finishing in just over 40 minutes.  My little one and I, well he started off in first place, took off like he had wheels, and then he wore out about 1/10 of a mile in.  For the rest of the way we held hands, skipped, had contests on who can jump farther (him), stopped and looked at the river, and just enjoyed the walk.  I've always had a fear of coming in last in a race.  This day taught me that first or last, it really doesn't matter, to just enjoy the moment, to finish.  Besides, being second to last meant we got to walk and talk with Ben a little bit.  He walks and talks with the people at the tail end of the race.  After the race, everyone goes and grabs some lunch together, but we had some more life to do.  As much as I wanted to stay, my boys wanted to go to a waterpark this weekend.

We had a good time.  They have all been wanting to run a race with me, but they all agreed that running is not "their thing" and that this will be their last race, and that is okay.  I am glad we got to share this experience together, but running is my therapy, my stress relief, something best done solo 95% of the time, but I am always glad to have company for the other 5%.

Doing Life, Together

Healthy Snacking for the Family

I have been concentrating a little more on making healthy eating a family affair.  I've been making small changes for all, while trying to toe the line of not being the food police.  My 13-year-old now weighs 2 lbs more than I do.  He is also 2  or 3 inches shorter.  He has a tummy and is self-conscious of this.  He takes anything I say regarding food personally, so I try to be very careful when addressing food.  I simply tell them ALL to think about what their body needs.  Today, I "caught" my 6-year-old eating an apple.  I said, "Good choice!  Your body thanks you!"  Next thing you know, my 10-year-old purposely walks by to show me he is now eating an apple too, looking for some positive reinforcement about his healthy choice.

It is hard for us adults to make healthy choices.  We have the knowledge of how healthy foods fuel our bodies.  We really can feel the difference energy-wise when we eat nutritious foods versus junk.  We feel guilt when we overindulge.  So for kids to make healthy choices when faced with an array of less than stellar treats, that has to be tough.  So I decided, no more chips, no more icecream, no more junk.  Fill the house with good foods and I will have to do less policing.  I asked them to make lists of healthy foods they would like me to buy.  I filled the snack cupboard with fun foods the kids love, granola bars, trail mix, Sunchips, peanut butter filled pretzels, and beef jerky.  I stocked the fridge with blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, raspberries, watermelon, kiwi, grapes, yogurt, string cheese, and carrots.  There is a bowl of apples and bananas on the counter.  I bought frozen yogurt and peach pops instead of icecream.  The fruit has mostly disappeared from the fridge.

Now....if only the little league baseball concession stand would offer healthy options.  The football concession stand has fruit cups, and they seem to sell really well.  We are at the field four to five nights a week.  After the game, a parent springs for snack for the team.  Last night my 13-year-old got TWO soft pretzels and a Bosco stick (cheese wrapped with dough and brushed with butter).  Ahhhh well, I won't sweat it.  This stuff is a part of childhood, and what I wouldn't give to go back to the mindset where food was simply fun and yummy and I didn't have a worry about my muffin top or flabby thighs.  I will just continue to do my best to instill healthy eating habits at home.



My 6-year-old's grocery list.  I love how he wrote gum, then crossed it out!

Social Summer Events = Maintenance.

There has been a lot of social buzz going on the last couple weeks, and it is making weight loss increasingly difficult.  You would think with bike rides, evening spent at the ball fields, weekends at the beach, and it being grilling season, it would be easier.  But the social events get me every time.  I just cannot resist temptation when in the company of good friends and family.....there was the weekend away, a father's day bbq, dinner and drinks with friends, a concert, fireworks in the park with the smell of elephant ears wafting.  Food is so much a part of entertainment.  I am training myself to not feel guilty for indulging within reason on these occasions, and most importantly not to let the indulgence carry over when the party is over and into the next day, and the next, and the next.......It is definately a struggle.

On the running front, I have been keeping up.  I love evening runs, but it is just too hard to squeeze them in, so I have been dragging my behind out of bed in the mornings.  When I finished the C25K program, I initially would run 2 miles twice a week and 3 miles once a week on a day that I was "feeling it."  After awhile, I increased my minimum run to 2.25 miles, then 2.5 miles, with one longer run per week of 3 to 4 miles.  Looking at my log, my last runs have been 3.09 miles, 3.15 miles, 4.29 miles, 2.5 miles, and 4.08 miles, and 2.5 miles.  I decided this morning to make my minimum run 3 miles from here on out.  FINALLY running about 5K on a regular basis, five months after I began running, not too bad I guess.

I'm working on these things I like to call my "flappers", my arms.  I am up to 10 push-ups, and hoping to increase to 15 this month.  I added a 10-lb hand weight and doing some tricep dips too.  The flappers are starting to look less wing-like, but I have a ways to go!

Window Shopping for Wedding Dresses

My fiance and I have been together for over three years and have never really discussed marriage before the proposal.  We had both joked and hinted, but never a serious a discussion.  So, needless to say, we have a lot to talk about.  The first thing I wanted to know was what kind of time frame he was thinking....tomorrow, a year, three years?  We talked about it and agreed that at this stage in our relationship and our lives, we do not need a long drawn out engagement and are throwing around the idea of September or October.  Now for the next basic issue, where?  I am 110% sure I do not want a big hoopla of a wedding.  I would really love to go to Vegas and just have a simple, fun, romatic Vegas wedding, just the two of us.  On the other hand, I would feel guilty if the boys (his and mine) aren't included, and I would like them to be there.  I'm torn between the right thing and the exciting thing.

I have been having a little fun looking at dresses and was thinking if we do Vegas a dress in this style would be fun, but a dress like this would require a lot more push-ups, a lot.  My mother will die a million deaths if I wear a white ball gown!  LOL

 

Inner and Outer Satisfaction

Like I said, my boyfriend wouldn't let me in on where we were going for date night, so I had to come up with a go anywhere outfit.  Really, my "going out" wear is pretty standard no matter where I am going, black pants, some sort of nice top, and heels, so me telling him I had to know where I was going so I could figure out what to wear was just a tactic to pry some information.  I have at least 12 pairs of black pants in several sizes, but none of them fit, so I went with a skirt.  I got dressed, looked in the mirror, and for possibly the first time in my life I thought, "Damn, Meem!!  You are skinny!"  Now, I have been this weight before, and ever so slightly smaller too, but I never thought I looked thin.  It is easy to focus on the flab that is still there, on the thighs, the tummy, the arms,  but on this day, I saw the whole picture, and I liked what I saw for once.  Maybe it is age, acceptance of imperfections.  During the night, I kept catching my reflection in the mirror and seeing my calf and thigh muscles and silently thanked running!

I decided I was putting calorie counting aside for the weekend.  I was still very sensible with portions, and didn't eat everthing in sight, but I chose what I wanted to eat based on what appealed and not on what would be the least amount of calories.  I ordered the coconut fried shrimp with a mango chili sauce served with a coconut almond rice and veggies.  To be honest, I didn't touch the veggies because I wanted to get in as much of the fabulous shrimp and rice as possible.  I ate 7 of the 8 jumbo shrimp, and really wished I could get the last one in, but I was feeling delightfully full, and didn't want to push it to the uncomfortably full mark.

I had a few drinks during the evening, which led me to have some late night munchies, so I split a basket of fries with my boyfriend. We went out for a diner breakfast and ordered the classic two egg, wheat toast, bacon, and hashbrown breakfast, but I left all the eggs, two slices of bacon, and half a slice of toast behind.  I think my body is finally getting it's "I'm full" meter back.  I had given myself license to have a "free" weekend, so at night I figured it might as well include ice cream!  I got a bowlful, topped it with chocolate and caramel, ate four or five bites, and then decided I really didn't want it anymore.  This is pretty revolutionary for me.  To feel full, satisfied, and stop.  It has been awhile. Trying to lose weight, I am almost never what I would call "full", mostly satisfied, often a little nawing of hunger, but rarely full.  As I head towards maintenance, this is good news that I can eat normally and then stop when I am no longer hungry. 

When I told my sister that we are getting married, she said "At least you won't have to go on a wedding diet!"  LOL  True that!

Date Night With a Big Shiny Ending

My boyfriend of over three years and I hadn't been out on a date, ALONE, together since before Christmas.  The sun, moon, and stars finally aligned and we happened to have a kid-free weekend.  This occurred to me last week as we sat in the baseball stands watching not one but two Little league baseball games.  I declared "Hey, we have no kids this weekend.  You are taking me on a date this Saturday."  A day or two later, he had made the plans and said it was all taken care of.  I am always telling him just to show up and take me somewhere, but now I decide I don't like surprises.   He wouldn't tell me where we were going.  Hello????  A girl needs to know where she is going, so she can figure out what she is wearing.  Still, he wouldn't tell me.

He took me to a nice hotel downtown, one with a casino, which I couldn't get into because I didn't have photo I.D., and security was not convinced I was 21.  I am 34.  Neither of us likes to gamble much, so we weren't too disappointed.  We walked down the street and had a really nice, delicious dinner.  Then we hung out in a bar in the hotel, people watched, talked a lot, and enjoyed the drinks, music, and later a basket of french fries when the craving hit me.  After he had a few beers, I told him to have another because the fourth one always makes him "mushy."  I will leave the rest of the details out, but it was a fabulous night ;0)

We had just finished getting ready for the day and check-out time was 10 minutes away.  My boyfriend was hesitant to leave, but I wanted to get this show on the road.  "Come on!  Let's go!  I'm hungry.  I need coffee.   We need to go visit our dads for Father's Day."

He was standing around, pacing, stretching, hugging me, sweating bullets!  He started to say that he had wanted to tell me yesterday how much he loved me and how much I mean to him, but that he held back because I had told him that he gets mushy when he drinks, and he didn't want me to think it was the beer talking.  "Awwww, I love you too, Baby.  Let's go."  Not yet.  He went and got a towel to wipe the sweat away.  I sat on the bed.  He kneeled.  Ohh, ohh, oooooooohhhh.  Oh. My. God.  He was a nervous wreck, and now I was too.  I got up from the bed.  I sat back down on the bed.  I put my sunglasses on.  I laid on the bed.  He took my sunglasses off.  He told me to get up.  He started to talk again, but kept tearing up.  Oh, maybe he isn't proposing.  Maybe something is wrong.  I asked him what was wrong.  He said that nothing was wrong, that everything was right.  He would start talking, fumbling in his pocket, then start crying, then kiss me to cover it up, then repeat.  It was the sweetest mess of a proposal, and I was now 99% sure of what he was doing, but I was still acting clueless, and fidgety, and was not making it any easier on him.  Finally, he said the words "I want to marry you."  Then he pulled out the most gorgeous ring and asked me if I would marry him.  And still I was a mess.  I said you don't want to get married.  (He is 42, has had a couple long-term live-in girlfriends, but never married.)  He told me he wants to be married, to come home to a wife and a houseful of kids every night.  That he can't stand being apart from me each night.  That he doesn't want to live his life anymore without me in it each and every day.  I told him my boys and I are a lot to handle.  He said he loves me, and that he loves all three of them too.  That's what got me, hook, line, and sinker.  I got choked up and finally shook my head yes, and he held me and cried, and I could feel his relief, and I said the word "Yes" out loud.  We told his dad, and my parents, and my sister, and everyone was so excited.  I cannot wait to tell my sons and his son.  It is killing me to wait a whole week until they are home. 

It Gets Me Every Time

My kids just left for their dad's house for a summer visit of 10 days.  Packing my kids up and sending them out the door for over a week gets me every single time.  Puts me in a funk.  Makes me angry.  Makes me sad.  Gives me time to think.  Gives me time to organize.  Right after they left, I began putting away the loads of school junk they had unloaded from their desks.  I read my 10-year-old's school writing folder. 

Valentine's Day Letter To Dad "These three hearts are for you, Dad.  One for always helping me with my homework.  One for always driving me to practice and cheering for me at my games.  One for always taking good care of me."

WHAT?????  Dad isn't here to help you with homework.  Dad makes it to zero practices and maybe one out of every four games, and even then he comes late and leaves early.  Dad takes care of you?  Dad went to jail for 30 days rather than pay child support.  Dad hasn't worked in 7 years.  Dad doesn't do anyting.  MOM does it.  Big, deep breath.  Don't get angry.  This is not a reflection on me.  This is just what he wishes were true.  Maybe his friend next to him was writing his Valentine Day's letter to his dad. After I think about it a moment I realize it is not something to be angry about, it is actually very sad.  I closed the journal and will pretend I never read it.

I will not console myself in a pint of Haagen Daz.  I will take this out on the pavement with an evening run.  I enjoy evening runs, but it is rare that I can do one because I am at baseball games/practices from 5:30 to 8:00 Monday through Thursday and some Fridays too, then we had homework, and baths, and feeding to deal with.  I go because I love it, because I can't imagine missing it, the joy, the pride, sometimes the disappointment, the thrill of wining, the looks on their faces when they touch home base.  I know that I am their home base.  I don't do it for the recognition.  I do it all because I love them.

"Mom, I think you have a problem...."

My six-year-old comes up to me yesterday evening, and says, "Mom, I think you have a problem, a popcorn problem, and it is not healthy."  After getting a good laugh, I explained to him that popcorn is healthy, that is a whole grain.  He said, "Yes, the POPCORN is healthy, but not that stuff you put on it."  What stuff?  "Butter!"  Uh-oh, the boy is smarter than I thought LOL  Who does this little Toaster Strudel eating little boy think he is lecturing me on nutrition?  I explained that our body needs a little bit of everything, and fat is one of the things it needs to work properly.  But he DID get me thinking, maybe next time I will swap a tablespoon olive oil in place of the butter..

His lecture stems from summer arriving this week, and me having the kids make lists of healthy foods that they would like to snack on, and telling them they need to think about what their body needs, a piece of fruit or Popchips, which would make their body happier and stronger.  He is my healthiest eater and often chooses fruit over icecream, so this conversation was more geared toward my older two.

I have been eating popcorn four or five days a week since I discovered that you can make your own all-natural popcorn without a pot or a machine, just a brown paper bag and a microwave, I have been addicted to the stuff.  How did I live 34 years without knowing this?  Is this Pop Secret's secret?

Imaginary Running Coach

With summer here, I am trying to figure out how to fit in my runs.  I'll preface this by saying I am not a morning person.  I repeat, I am not a morning person.  I was dropping my kids off at school, then running from 8:30 to 9:00, hop in the shower, arrive 10 minutes late to work at my home office.  Perfect!  I rolled over this morning at 7:00 and I asked myself, "Meem, are you going to get up and run before the kids wake up, or are you going to lie in this bed like a lazy slug?"  The answer was loud and clear, "Lie in this bed like a lazy slug."  But the guilt nawed at me and kept me from sleep, and so I got up and I ran.  I pushed it the first mile because I wanted to feel the strength of my body.  I'd look down at my legs and think, "WOW!  Look at what these legs do for me, they can carry me fast and far.  I am a runner!  I. Am. A. Runner."  It felt good, and then I got tired, and hungry, and I wanted my coffee.  I always have a cup as I am getting the kids ready for school before my run.  I sorely missed that coffee this morning.  My brain wanted to stop running, but I was at 1.5 miles, and I have a 2.25 minimum rule.  I got to 2.25 miles when I was still a quarter mile from home.  I thought about stopping, and then Coach Bobby popped into my head.  Coach Bobby is one of my sons' football coaches, my favorite one.  And suddenly Coach Bobby was my running coach.  I could hear him and the team chanting.
COACH:  Can't stop!
KIDS:  Won't stop!
COACH:  Want some?
KIDS:  Get some!
That mantra pushed me the last 1/4 mile home, directly to my coffee pot.  Running, exercise for the mind, pushing farther than your brain wants to go.

What's My Next Evolution?

Summer officially began at 11:40 a.m. yesterday when the school's let my kids out, another year gone by.  My two youngest kicked it off with a summer party at their friend's house.  The parents let each of their four children invite a handful of friends, had a barbecue, a trampoline, water balloons, and swimming.  When I came to pick them up, there were 20+ kids running and yelling, all their backpacks dumped in the living room, their discarded clothes and shoes scattered around the yard, which has been so trampled from years of four children and all their friends that there is more dirt (now mud from splashing) than grass, dirty, empty serving platters were still on the picnic table, loads of half-empty juice boxes, a plate of fruit was still being picked at by kids with dirty hands, and the living room carpet was full of wet, muddy footprints.  And all I could think was "What a beautiful disaster."  That was us years ago.  Okay, I wasn't so lax about the running in the house with wet dirty feet, but when I was married, in my beautiful house, with money to spare, and a close knit neighborhood, this family was our family.  We had backyard parties, a swimming pool, roasted marshmallows with friends on hot summer nights, lit off fireworks with neighbors, held flag football games in the yard.  We had it all, on the surface.  Until my ex-husband literally put it all on the table and gambled it way.  The lies and betrayal too great for me to live with and I left.  But this, this beautiful disaster, is part of what I lost.  Single motherhood isn't a party.  Most of the time, I try to smile and it helps get me through.  After the party, I juggled two kids with two different baseball games at two different locations with one parent.  Then my oldest started the summer with a sleepover at a friend's house.  I am so grateful that my kids get to experience the joys of summer, but more than a little bit sad that I am not longer THAT mom.

Okay, I can now do 6 push-ups, run 5 miles, and lost 30 pounds.  What's next, Meem?  What's next?  Make yourself happy!

Smile Through The Miles

While running today, I thought of the day I ran five miles a couple weeks ago, about how during that run I could not stop smiling and that the whole five miles felt easy.  I am sure the cool weather that morning had some influence on my ability that day.  I went into that run with a positive attitude, thinking this day I was going to run strong, this day I was going to run far, this run was going to be a great one, and I smiled the whole way.  I occasionally tried to force myself to stop because I am sure I looked silly running the streets of my city with a huge smile across my face, but that smile just kept creeping back up on me.  About halfway into my run today, I thought about that smiling day and wondered if maybe I wasn't smiling because it was easy, that rather the smile itself helped to make the run easy.  I decided to break out the grin to test the theory, and once it was out, I couldn't put it away.  The smile helps make running easier.  The smile helps make all tough things a little easier.  I will try to remember this :0)

The One-Eyed, Two-Mouthed Hungry Monster Strikes

Just when I think I have this thing down the hungry monster rears it's ugly head.  It is almost unstoppable.  Almost, because I do have the ultimate power over what does or does not go into my mouth.  It is my choice.  I do not believe in food addiction.  I do not believe in the whole "powerless over my addiction" bunk.  I could overcome the urge to eat.  When I felt it coming on last night, I told myself that nothing I was going to eat was going to fill me.  I was either going to still feel hungry when I was done, or I was going to feel very full and loathsome.  And then I chose to eat anyway.  I ate one serving of cashews, one serving of wheat thins, a wedge of laughing cow cheese, two chocolates, one serving of popchips.  After I had polished off that, I saw on my calorie counter I was at maintenance level for the day.  I told myself that wasn't so bad, literally and figuratively wiped my hands clean of the foodfest, and said I was done.   But I wasn't.  I had a moment of stress, red pop exploded on white carpet.  I cleaned it up as best I could, then decided to have another serving of nuts and an entire roll of Girl Scout Thin Mints.  THIS was the exact moment I was saving these things for after all.  How self-destructive, hoarding cookies because you want to be prepared for an all out food fiesta.  The self-loathe kicked in when the roll was 3/4 gone, but that didn't stop me from finishing them.  Sigh.  This is the second time this has happened in the past 5.5 months, not bad.  Maybe I should accept that once in awhile, I am just going to feel an urge to eat until I feel stuffed.  At first I tried to find a reason, was I more stressed?  No.  I had upped my calories recently, so not feeling deprived.  Was it because I had hardly had any protein and way too many carbs?  Was it because I so looked forward to my bi-weekly Panera on plan indulgence, but I hated my sandwich and threw it away with one bite missing?  There were at least ten thoughts of why I felt so driven to overeat, but maybe it doesn't make any sense simply because IT DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. I feel so much better. I look so much better.  My healthy foods taste so much better.  There is simply no good reason to return to old eating habits.  Next time, I hope to say "F@#! this, I can do this!" instead of " F@#!  this, I give up!"  Back at it today. In the long run, that is what matters.

You know what I found most odd about this buffet for one?  (I hate the word binge, and so I have to get creative with wording.)  That I counted out 30 cashews, 20 popchips, 16 wheat thins.  Who does that?

Cake Happens

Today, my oldest son turns 13.  I am the mother of a teenager!  A teenager?  How did this happen?  He was just a baby.  I'm excited for him.  I'm scared for me!

At first he said he wanted brownies for his birthday cake.  This pleased me because it gave me an excuse to try out a recipe I have been dying to try.  I told him to check it out and see if the recipe sounded good.  Well...the name of the brownies is "Knock You Naked Brownies."  I should have known better and just showed him a picture because the name changed his mind, and he asked me to make a strawberry shortcake cake instead.  Dang!  I really wanted those brownies.  But this cake is in my top three for favorite cakes, so I wasn't too disappointed.

I debated about whether or not I wanted to calculate the calories for this cake.  In the end, I decided I would, and now I wished I hadn't.  8,415 calories for the whole cake.  Thankfully, I can say I have never eaten a whole cake by myself before.  Now, I am not saying I couldn't, just that I haven't.  If I divide the cake into 12 slices 701 calories, into 16 slices 526 calories.  That is ALOT for a tiny slice of cake.  But I will eat a slice anyway because my baby only becomes a teenager once, and this is life, and cake happens.

You were probably wondering how something so virtuous as a strawberry shortcake could be so many calories.  This is no ordinary strawberry shortcake.  This is strawberry shortcake covered in a buttercream/cream cheese frosting, and it is amazingly delicious.  He was a 9 lbs, 12 oz when he was born; I deserve a piece of cake on his birthday every year for the rest of his life for giving birth to that giant!

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2009/05/strawberry-shortcakecake/

American Beauty

I came across this ad for Body Shop on Facebook today.  It is a pretty powerful statement about the standard American beauty ideal.  Eight women have the genetics to look like supermodels.  Eight.  Yet we measure ourselves up to them.  WE do it, us women.  The men, sure they appreciate their beauty, but I think they see and love the beauty in all of the everyday women around them too.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  This measuring stick, always comparing ourselves to other women.  My boyfriend told me I was beautiful twice last week.  He isn't overly flattering, so I remember.  But when he told me, I thought, "Ya right."  Maybe I should start believing the man who loves me; maybe I should start believing in myself; maybe we women need to start owning our beauty with grace.  I am 5 foot, 5 inches, 134 pounds, and sometimes I still feel FAT.  Ridiculous.

Ice Cream For Breakfast? Yes!

I celebrated Memorial Day with a patriotic red, white, and blue breakfast.  A waffle topped with blackberries, strawberries, ice cream, and a drizzle of chocolate!  Icecream for breakfast???  Yes!  I was about to top it with yogurt, then I thought hmmmmmm....the icecream has about the same number of calories, why not?  And then I did.  YUM!

I stayed on plan all weekend.  Every other weekend is a real challenge for me.  I stay at my boyfriend's house and he is not health conscious.  He makes us big breakfasts, likes to eat dinners out, and does not keep much food in the house.  So, I bring my own food.  I bring fruits, yogurt, string cheese, almonds, KIND bars, etc.  I am not totally lame.  I will eat Sunday breakfast, just not much of it, a waffle and two pieces of bacon.  We went to dinner with his family.  Restaurants are my weakness.  I cannot muster up the willpower to order healthy, so I don't.  I just don't eat much of it.  I had fish and chips.  My diner food standard weakness, but I ate one-third of the meal.

Holiday weekends are tough, but holiday weekends away from home are especially challenging to my willpower, but I did it.  It is just not much fun.  There is no room for a margarita in a 1165 calorie budget.

Bonus Points:  I woke up early on Sunday and Monday and went running.  Do I get a prize?  Oh, I guess my prize was maintaining my exact weight from Friday through Tuesday.  I have this unrealistic expectation for my efforts to be matched with equal results.  It is 10x harder for me to stay on plan every other weekend, so when I do, I expect that I should lose at least 10x as much as I normally would and come home to a 2 lb loss.  Too bad it doesn't work that way :0)